Two

Two jokes

Hunter

    • Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

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    • Wife

    • Two drunk men spot a pig on some old farmer's land.

    And they were real hungry (or so they said), and they both decided to take the pig with them into their car and eat it somewhere.

    And so they did, and the farmer came out with a gun while they hurriedly drove off, and the farmer said, "Well goddammit, if it was a pig they wanted, why didn't they just take my wife?"

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    • Card

    • Two boys were playing cards on a picnic table outside the school. Both of the boys had revolvers hidden in their waistband.

    Now, one of the boys was a notorious cheater, who liked to hide his cards in his waistband. Recess was just about to end, when all the kids heard a loud bang erupt from the picnic table. In tears, the card player admitted that he had shot the other card player, stating "I played a King, and he started reaching for his waistband!"

    Plane

    • I asked my uncle why he was living on the streets.

    He said that he wasn't always on the streets, he used to have a job at these two towers. I asked him what happened, and he said two planes happened.

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    • Two memes

    People

    • I have two things I wanna say:

    1. When people swear, stop taking it so fucking literally. If someone calls you a bitch, they're not calling you a female dog. If they call you a cunt, they're not calling you a woman's private part, they are calling you either an idiot, scaredy cat/baby, or something along those lines, ffs.

    2. wtf

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    • Car Door

    • Three men were going for a drive through the desert. An hour later, the car breaks down. They all take something from the car to keep themselves cool as they walk to the nearest gas station a few miles back.

    One guy grabs a hand-held fan. Another guy grabs the jug of water. The last guy takes the car door off. About 15 minutes into walking, the other two are giving the one guy weird looks. Finally, one of them asks why he is taking the car door. The third guy just replies that whenever he gets hot he can just roll down the window.

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    • Reincarnation

    • This morning, I was having a conversation with my ex-boyfriend about reincarnation. I said to him, "If you could come back in the next life as anything, what would you come back as?" He thought about it for a minute and says, "A tree. That way, everybody can look at me and admire me."

    Then he says the same thing to me. I started thinking about it when these two sexy, half-naked studs walked by. One was a jock, the other on his bicycle. I know I said I want to come back as a jockstrap or a bicycle seat, but knowing my luck, I'll come back as a tampon.

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    • Classroom

    • There are two kids sitting in a classroom: Lily and John. Lily sleeps in class every day.

    The teacher asks Lily who made heaven and earth. John pokes her with a pencil. She shouts, "Jesus Christ Almighty!"

    The teacher says, "That's right."

    The teacher says the next day she asks the same question. John pokes her with a pencil. She shouts, "Jesus Christ Almighty!"

    "That's right," the teacher says.

    The next day she asks Lily what did Eve say to Adam after their 100th. John pokes her again. "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'mma break it in half!" she shouts.

    Face

    • What do you call a person with no arms or legs lying face first in a river? Bob.

    What do you call two people with no arms or legs standing in front of a window? Curt and Rod.

    Cow

    • Two cows are standing in a field. One cow says to the other, "What do you think about that mad cow disease?"

    The other replies, "Well I don't have to worry about it. You're talking to a telephone pole."

    Butter

    • Two sticks of butter walk into a butter bar. One says to the other, "Aren't you going to introduce me to your friends?" He replies, "Sure, dis my butter from another utter."

    Name

    • One day, there were three people: a mom and two kids. One of the kids walks up and asks her mom why she was named Rose. Her mom told her that she ate a rose petal when she was born; that is why she was named Rose.

    Then the second child walked up and yelled, "Ahhhhhh!" and the mom said, "Shut up, Billy Goat!"

    Tech

    • Tech administrator of a school: Hm, a message from Google security?

    Tech administrator of a school: OH SHIT!

    Assistant: WHAT, WHAT, TELL ME?

    Tech administrator of a school: WE'VE BEEN COMPROMISED, WE FORGOT TO SECURE THE SITE!

    Assistant: OK, OK, THE KEY IS NOT TO PANIC... let's call the school board.

    A FEW MOMENTS LATER

    Head of school board: HAHAHAHAHAHA! That's a good one, almost as good as the one with Jack, Jill, and the ripped condom! HAHAHAHAHAHA

    Tech administrator of a school: HAHAHA yeah I know right *whispers* you are playing it cool, right?

    Head of school board: *whispers* yeah we're fucked...

    TWO HOURS LATER

    Important fat people in one room: OH FUCK OH NO, HELP PLEASE!!!!! WAIT, HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO TELL THE PARENTS ABOUT THEIR STOLEN INFORMATION!!!

    AND SO THAT WAS THE BIRTH OF RIOTING TEACHER

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