These two guys were at a bar flirting with these girls. The guy says, "Are you a parking ticket, 'cause you got fine written all over you?"
The girl turns and says, "How about you pay for them, and then I can pay you back with me getting all over you?"
What kind of file turns a 5mm hole into a 3cm hole?
A pedo-file.
Me and Jesus are really close; he even turns the light on for me when I go pee in the middle of the night. Well, that is what I thought until the fridge was wet.
Why did mars turn permanently red? Because it saw Uranus
I'll turn ya nan into to bonemeal
Why did no one turn up to John's funeral?
Because Sally wrote the invitations!
My teacher gave me an A in Physics, then she tells me that it turns guys on.
My kitchen was rearranged today. The tables have turned, and the steaks are higher.
What if plants are farming us, giving us oxygen until we die, and turn into natural fertilizer which helps them?
Kate: Can we have a threesome?
Trevor: Sure.
The lights go off and Trevor starts doing what he's supposed to be doing, and then he feels something going up his back end. He goes to punch the person behind him, but then he turns on the light, and it was Kate behind him, and he's been fucking the guy the whole time.
I like my men like I like my Alexa:
By my bed and turned on.
If white people turn black when they char, what happens to the black ones?
A kid goes to bed with his dad because he’s scared of the dark. Turns out he just wanted to have sex.
Okay, so turns out the toasters are not waterproof...
There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night, they decide they don't like living in an asylum anymore. They decide they're going to escape!
So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn't dare make the leap. You see... You see, he's afraid of falling.
So then, the first guy has an idea... He says "Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!" B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... He says "Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!"
How can you get 3 homos to it on one barstool?
Turn it upside down
When you're working in the twin towers but you have to turn your computer to airplane mode.
I like plants, but then I decided to turn over a new leaf and branch out.
I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink.
Turns out it was the fridge.
How do you recycle a condom? Turn it inside out and shake the f *ck out of it!
