Turn jokes

Suicide: Turning one's biology into complex organic chemistry.

What type of file do you need to turn a 14 centimeter hole into a 40 centimeter hole?

A pedophile.

My black friend turned off the lights and suddenly disappeared.

Q: What can turn a fruit into a vegetable?

A: AIDS.

One day a couple was walking when the man stepped on something hard and squishy, then they heard a sound from the bushes. Instead of looking down, they both ran.

Two years later, they turned on the TV to find Ted Bundy on trial. They asked him if he has ever been caught. He said, "No, but a couple was walking as soon as I killed a girl. I jumped into a bush. They didn't know I was there, but the man stepped on the dead body but didn't look down, then he and his girlfriend ran."

Well, a boy and a girl are in a bathtub together.

The little boy says, “Hey, you see that? I’m gonna go ask Daddy what it is.” When the little boy asks his dad, he says, “Well, son, that’s your car. You try to park it in a girl’s parking spot.”

As the boy runs back, he see’s the little girl is missing. It had turned out that the little girl was asking her mama what her spot was and she said, “Well, that’s your parking spot. Never ever let a boy put it in.” When she got back, the little boy tried to put the car in, well he did and she ended up breaking his car that day.

What did the blonde say when asked if her turn signal worked?

“Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.”

My family is lucky I was born so smart. Every time my Dad is struggling at work, he always turns to me when he needs to get ahead.

When you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen. When you turn 16, you get a DM from Prince Andrew.

Last night I had a dream about fishing poles, turns out it wasn't reel!

Babe, I'm breaking up with you.

Why? I'm turning 18 tomorrow.

A young cowboy entered a seedy cafe in a small West Texas town.

He sat at the counter and spotted an elderly cowboy with his arms folded and his gaze fixed on a bowl of chili. After roughly 15 minutes of staring at it, the young cowboy boldly inquired, “If you’re not going to eat it, do you mind if I do?” Slowly turning his head toward the young wrangler, the older cowboy muttered, in his best cowboy voice, “Nah. Go ahead.”

The young cowboy eagerly reached over and slid the bowl over to his spot, spooning it in with glee. He was almost to the bottom when he noticed a rotten dead rat in the chili.

The sight was shocking, and he immediately upchucked the chili into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly said, “Yep, that’s as far as I got, too...”

These two guys were at a bar flirting with these girls. The guy says, "Are you a parking ticket, 'cause you got fine written all over you?"

The girl turns and says, "How about you pay for them, and then I can pay you back with me getting all over you?"

What kind of file turns a 5mm hole into a 3cm hole?

A pedo-file.

Me and Jesus are really close; he even turns the light on for me when I go pee in the middle of the night. Well, that is what I thought until the fridge was wet.

My kitchen was rearranged today. The tables have turned, and the steaks are higher.

Why did no one turn up to John's funeral?

Because Sally wrote the invitations!

What if plants are farming us, giving us oxygen until we die, and turn into natural fertilizer which helps them?

Why did Mars turn permanently red? Because it saw Uranus.

My teacher gave me an A in Physics, then she tells me that it turns guys on.