Turn jokes

Guys, depression cannot be turned into a joke.

You must have a good power supply, because you're easy to turn on!

I was given my electronics test today. Turns out it was given to me 'cause I have the same name as someone who got 54/59. I actually got my hopes up, too.

This morning I woke up, then took a bath with some chocolate mud. At first, when I turned the damn flossers on, I noticed it wasn't water. It was all chocolate mud, and now my body is all chocolatey.

Today I asked my best friend what their favorite joke was. They started waving their hands around, and I thought it was a sign to go, thinking I had offended them or something. Turns out they were mute...

How can you get 3 homos to sit on one barstool?

Turn it upside down.

Q: What's the difference between me and a priest? A: A priest isn't turned on by dead children.

Confucius say, man who go through turn table is going to Bangkok.

Why was the sheep arrested?

Because he did a "ewe" turn on a motorway.

How do you get two deaf people from fighting?

Turn off the lights and walk out.

Your hairline sucks; even Harry Potter could not put it under a spell to turn it back to order.

Do you work at Subway? Because you turn my 6 inch into a footlong.

A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared."

The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"

What did the blonde say when asked if her turn signal worked?

“Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.”

A team of cops and a news reporter are at a home where a violent crime has been committed. The head news reporter, in front of the camera, says, "A woman in this house has killed her husband because he stepped on the floor while she was mopping." He then turns around and asks a cop, "Has the woman been arrested yet?" The cop replies, "Not yet, we're waiting for the floor to dry."

Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.

Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"

Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."

Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"

Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"

Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."

Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."

My crush said that she would rather die than have sex with me... It turns out that she was lying.

My black friend turned off the lights and suddenly disappeared.

A friend of mine told me this joke a long time ago and I have never forgotten it.

A worm was crawling over a train track, and a train ran over him and cut off his ass. The worm turned around to get the piece of his ass back and another train ran over him and cut off his head.

BAD IDEA and a lesson to us all.

NEVER LOSE YOUR HEAD OVER A PIECE OF ASS!! LMAO (literally, kind of)( pretty sure you get it)

There was a boy who owned a dog, who was walking while wearing headphones.

Upon entering a park, he saw a sign that read, "DOGS MUST HAVE LEAD". He continued into the park, and became immersed in the music.

After leaving the park 20 minutes later and turning around for the first time in a while to remove the lead, the sight of his now-dead, freshly-poisoned dog reminded him of the importance of heteronyms.