Turn

Turn jokes

Mate

    • Two mates walk into a bar.

    Mate 1: "Shit! Look at that spider over there!"

    Mate 2: "Whateverrrrrrr."

    Mate 1: "No, seriously, it's bloody massive!"

    Mate 2: "(Turns around) Shit, that's huge, I thought you were joking."

    Mate 1: "No, I'm Fred King, Jo King's brother ;-)"

    Option

    • Random person: "Just turn the page and start over."

    Me: "I'm not sure if you're telling me to be gay or uhhhh die but both are good options."

  • 3

    • Condom

    • Four gay guys are sitting in a Jacuzzi when all of a sudden, a condom starts floating. One of the gay guys turns around and asks, "Okay, who farted?"

  • 3
    • Turn memes

    Ball

    • Two balls sit inside a bucket. One turned to another and said, "Hey man, boing, are you sentient, too?"

    The other one said, "I’m sapient, you are sentient!"

    BOINGZINGA!?!

    Blonde

    • What's a similarity between blondes and a vacuum cleaner?

    You have to turn them on before they start to suck.

    Disease

    • A woman walks into a doctor's office. She schedules an appointment and sits down in the waiting room. When it's her turn to talk to the doctor, she describes all of her symptoms, and they're unlike anything he's heard before. The doctor runs a few tests and steps out of the room. He comes back later, and says, "Well, I have good news and bad news." The woman says, "I'll hear the good news first please." The doctor replies, "The good news is we're naming a disease after you!"

  • 3

    • Map

    • Yesterday I purchased a world map and told my wife to throw a dart, and wherever it lands, I will take her. Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

  • 1

    • Shooting Range

    • When you decide to turn your high school into your personal shooting range, but you don’t give any proper notice except for a bullet to the head...

  • 1

    • Bathroom

    • What's braver than coming out gay? Taking a shit in an elementary school bathroom with those two kids that always mess with you and turn off the lights.

    Worm

    • A friend of mine told me this joke a long time ago and I have never forgotten it.

    A worm was crawling over a train track, and a train ran over him and cut off his ass. The worm turned around to get the piece of his ass back and another train ran over him and cut off his head.

    BAD IDEA and a lesson to us all.

    NEVER LOSE YOUR HEAD OVER A PIECE OF ASS!! LMAO (literally, kind of)( pretty sure you get it)

  • 0

    • Tube

    • So do you guys know those waterslides that you stand in, and then they suddenly drop you straight down onto the water slide? If not, look them up on YouTube, there's nothing like them.

    Ah yes, the sweet memories of my first time on one of these. I feel that my mental/emotional scars have healed enough to tell this gem.

    At the time my girlfriend, now Fiancée, worked as a photographer for one of those resorts with the indoor and outdoor water parks. One of her perks was that her and a family member/friend could get into the waterpark for free, so one hot summer day she had off and we both decided it'd be fun to go there and cool down for the day.

    While we were there, I discovered one of there most "Thrilling" looking waterslides. Basically you stand in this tube, and then the slide operator presses a button and this slide drops you straight down a good 90 FEET, before you actually start going down the water slide. Me, being a thrill seeker, of course had to try it. So I made the great climb up to the top of the slide, stood in line, and finally it was my turn. Once I got in the tube, the operator told me to keep my legs crossed. Now I'm a pretty big heavy guy, so I was like "That's uncomfortable as fuck, I'm not doing that."

    So there I was standing in the tube, having a panic attack from anticipation, with my legs not crossed. The operator finally presses the button, the bottom opens and I fall straight down the water slide. Very quickly I realized why they have you cross your legs. Water shot so far up my ass, so fast, I swear I tasted it in my mouth. My body raced down that slide, as I questioned every life choice that I have ever made.

    Once I made it to the bottom, I sat there for a moment, absolutely violated. I felt like someone in an episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. I built up the courage to finally stand up, and all I could feel was the nice warm stream of water mixed with shit, and maybe a little bit of blood shoot out of my ass faster than the Steamboat Geyser at Yellowstone National Park. I quickly got off the slide and ran to the bathroom, with a trail of shitty water tailing me as the slide operator stared in awe. They had to shut down the slide for the rest of the day :'), but man was my asshole clean after that!

    Moral of the story: Keep your damn legs crossed on waterslides.

    Same thing goes when you are at bible study with a handsy priest.

  • 2

    • Crack

    • One day a woman met with a man behind an abandoned shop.

    The man asked for some crack.

    The woman turned around and said, "Here."

    That's where the crack was, you guessed it.

    The next day, she wiped it clean, ready for the next guest who "wanted crack."