I can’t believe it’s been over a year since Kobe decided he’s too good to wait in traffic.
Looking at me is like being on your phone, in a car, on a long trip. You're fine for the first 10 minutes, then after that you feel sick.
Someone complimented me on my driving last week. They left a note saying, "Parking Fine!"
I hate sitting in traffic, I always get run over.
When I give you the signal, I want you to roll down your window and call the oncoming cyclist a prick.
Yo mama is SO FAT... SO FUCKING FAT... That when she went on the bus, she wasn't allowed in. She asked why, and the driver pointed to the sign "Weight capacity of 50 people". The bus was empty.
She got mad and ate the bus!
I would like to complain about the new sushi restaurant at Gatwick Airport. Although there were large portions going round on the conveyor, they did taste a bit like luggage.
In other news, we are hearing of a nasty helicopter crash on the M4. Let's cross live to our eye-in-the-sky, Mark. Mark?
Why did the depressed kid jump off the bike? It was free depressed day.
Where would an astronaut park his spaceship? A parking meteor.
Here's a list of puns, not all of them are mine.
1. Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane.
2. Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
3. My sister bet that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.
4. Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.
5. Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
6. Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!
7. Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!
8. How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!
9. That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!
10. My parents said I can’t drink coffee anymore. Or else they’ll ground me!
1, 2, 3, 4, 5. I'm old enough to drive, for now I'm still alive, till I crash in that beehive!
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage.
I lost the case.
What's the difference between a Lambo and 200 children in my basement? One screams; the children don't.
What happened to the frog that parked illegally?
He was toad away.
Get it?
One day a mom who looked like a pig broke the car down.
Q: Why couldn't the bicycle stand up?
A: Because it was too tired!! 😴😴😴
Whats yellow and cant swim but screams when it goes under. A school bus full of kids
Yo mama so fat, when she put on a yellow raincoat people see her and yell "Hey yo, taxi!"
"Most Deadly Sport"
Playing chicken with a train!
