"I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, 'You're next.' So I started doing the same to them at funerals, 'You're next.'"
Tradition Jokes
Santa was asked to describe Mrs. Claus in three words. His response was, "Ho ho ho."
What did Donald Trump serve Justin Trudeau at the state dinner?
Poutine in traditional Russian dressing!
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.
What's the one thing me and the New Year's ball have in common?
It's not gonna be the only thing falling 50 stories this New Year's.
My friends used to poke me at weddings and say, "You're next."
So I started poking them at funerals and saying, "You're next" to my friends.
What's the traditional food of Black Jews? - Kosher watermelon...
When Santa asks you what you want for Christmas, then says "ho ho ho," say, "Yes, please."
I watched a documentary about a man who grew up in the Catholic church.
It was a touching story.
In what ways do nuns and hoes have something in common?
They both worship on their knees. They are both creatures of habit. They both take vows of poverty and obedience. Once chosen, neither can leave the life. They both swallow their hosts.
Why was baptism invented?
How else was a priest supposed to clean his sex toys?
Ever wondered why Chinese kids don’t believe in Santa?
They made the toys.
Why is Santa's sack so big? Because he only comes once a year.
Why do Indians have a red dot on their head?
Because they're recording.
Why don't Chinese kids celebrate Christmas?
Because they make the toys.
Everyone: So, wait, let me get this straight. Feminists want to cancel Father's Day because it is offensive to single mothers.
Feminists: Correct.
Everyone: Then what the f*** is the point of Mother's Day?
Alabama.
Every time there's a family reunion, a baby is born 9 months later.
Americans won't have a Thanksgiving Dinner this year. Why not? They sent their turkey to the White House.
How do you name an Asian child?
Ring the doorbell.
Q: How do Chinese people name their kids?
A: They throw pots and pans down the stairs and see what noises they make.