"I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, 'You're next.' So I started doing the same to them at funerals, 'You're next.'"
Santa was asked to describe Mrs. Claus in three words. His response was, "Ho ho ho."
What did Donald Trump serve Justin Trudeau at the state dinner?
Poutine in traditional Russian dressing!
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.
whats the one thing me and the new years ball have in common
its not gonna be the only thing falling 50 stories this new years
My friends used to poke me at weddings and say, "You're next."
So I started poking them at funerals and saying, "You're next" to my friends.
What's the traditional food of Black Jews? - Kosher watermelon...
I watched a documentary about a man who grew up in the Catholic church.
It was a touching story.
In what ways do nuns and hoes have something in common?
They both worship on their knees. They are both creatures of habit. They both take vows of poverty and obedience. Once chosen, neither can leave the life. They both swallow their hosts.
Why was baptism invented?
How else was a priest supposed to clean his sex toys?
Why is Santa's sack so big? Because he only comes once a year.
Ever wondered why Chinese kids don’t believe in Santa?
They made the toys.
Why do Indians have a red dot on their head?
Because they're recording.
why dont Chinese kids celebrate Christmas?
Bc They make the toys
Alabama.
Every time there's a family reunion, a baby is born 9 months later.
Americans won't have a Thanksgiving Dinner this year. Why not? They sent their turkey to the White House.
How do you name an asian child?
Ring the doorbell.
Q: How do Chinese people name their kids.
A: They throw pots and pans down the stairs and see what noises they make
Why can't an orphan get married. It doesn't have its parents blessing.
Christmas special
Me: Can you describe Mrs. Claus in 3 words? Santa: Ho ho ho.
