Tradition jokes
What does a Jew expecting guests say?
"Oy, vey, are they here yet?"
What do Christmas decorations and dead people have in common?
They both hang from a tree!
Why can’t Santa have kids?
He only cums once a year.
Why can’t orphans celebrate Christmas?
Because they have no family.
Your momma is so ugly that she went out as herself for Halloween.
Deck the halls with bowels of Holly, fa la la la la, la la la la.
Santa Claus walks up to three little girls and says, "Ho, ho, ho!"
Why do Catholic Irishmen in Ireland have a glory hole in the men's restroom inside their restaurants so they can give Irish kisses on Saint Patrick's Day?
Saint Nicholas is the patron saint of working girls. Call girls. Hookers. Prostitutes. And the association is a long one, going back to the very earliest legends which place St. Nick as a Greek bishop in Myra, Lycia in what is now the Turkish Mediterranean - three centuries after Christ.
Saint Nicholas is notable primarily for giving secretly to the poor, and supposedly the first to benefit were three young ladies whose poor father couldn't afford wedding or dowry to marry them off - destining them instead to a life of prostitution. St. Nick supposedly threw a bag of gold through the window to pay for the wedding but, by the third attempt, the poor father was watching to determine the identity of the anonymous benefactor. Santa outsmarted him by dropping the last bag of coins down the chimney.
So, whenever you see Santa, he always travels with his three favourite sex workers - who seemingly never grow old. On a quiet, still Christmas night you can even hear him call them.
Ho! Ho! Ho! And to all a good night.
Well, tell her that Halloween is the best holiday because you can hide Easter eggs under the Christmas tree while eating a big Thanksgiving turkey.
How do Chinese people get their names? Their parents throw woks down the stairs and name their children after the sound it makes.
Who gave Jesus his birthday presents every year?
Santa Claus!
Why is Santa so fat?
He only comes once a year.
What is the best Christmas present ever? A broken drum! You just can't beat it!
What do you call an angry reindeer? RUDE-olph!
What is Santa's favorite breakfast? Snowflakes!
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsel-itis!
In a deep village in Germany, an old man asked his granddaughter, "What are you doing?"
His granddaughter replies, "Removing Polish with chemicals."
Grandpa said, "When I was young, I did the same."
Who comes once a year and makes your kids cry?
Rapey Santa.
Why do orphans love Christmas?
Because they build a home.
How do Asian people name their children?
They throw a pan down the stairs.
What would your name be? Msg it to @chelsearosegraham.
Father: "Fritz, light the Christmas tree!"
How are Jews and potatoes different?
A potato keeps its skin.
Burn witches and stone whores.