What does a Jew expecting guests say?
"Oy, vey, are they here yet?"
Why can’t Santa have kids?
He only cums once a year.
Your momma is so ugly that she went out as herself for Halloween.
Why can’t orphans celebrate Christmas?
Because they have no family.
Why do Catholic Irishmen in Ireland have a glory hole in the men's restroom inside their restaurants so they can give Irish kisses on Saint Patrick's Day?
Santa Claus walks up to three little girls and says, "Ho, ho, ho!"
How do Chinese people get their names? Their parents throw woks down the stairs and name their children after the sound it makes.
Who gave Jesus his birthday presents every year?
Santa Claus!
Why is Santa so fat?
He only comes once a year.
What is the best Christmas present ever? A broken drum! You just can't beat it!
What do you call an angry reindeer? RUDE-olph!
What is Santa's favorite breakfast? Snowflakes!
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsel-itis!
In a deep village in Germany, an old man asked his granddaughter, "What are you doing?"
His granddaughter replies, "Removing Polish with chemicals."
Grandpa said, "When I was young, I did the same."
Who comes once a year and makes your kids cry?
Rapey Santa.
Why do orphans love Christmas?
Because they build a home.
How do Asian people name their children?
They throw a pan down the stairs.
What would your name be? Msg it to @chelsearosegraham.
What do people get for Christmas when they behave badly? They get coal. Why coal, you're probably saying, because the true meaning is cucks of all kinds.
Why are Santa's balls so big?
Because he comes once a year.
Me: How do you celebrate Christmas?
Orphan: I don't know what you mean.
Me: There is no one to give a present.
Why do brides wear white?
So they match the kitchen appliances.
A man was raping a woman and thought the year was 1970, and he exclaimed to the judge later that he was her husband.
She got sent to the Asylum for Hysteria.
Wait, what? Was he actually her husband?
He was a Christian, so that actually meant he was AFTER the rape.
Wait, what? The Bible doesn't say that.
Actually yes, it does, and marital rape was legal until 1990.
WAIT WHAT? That's not funny.
I'll tell ya what's funny, that you think the women have nothing to complain about.
How do Chinese people name their kids?
They roll a coin down the staircase and it says, "Ching chang chong..."
