Tradition jokes
Saint Nicholas is the patron saint of working girls. Call girls. Hookers. Prostitutes. And the association is a long one, going back to the very earliest legends which place St. Nick as a Greek bishop in Myra, Lycia in what is now the Turkish Mediterranean - three centuries after Christ.
Saint Nicholas is notable primarily for giving secretly to the poor, and supposedly the first to benefit were three young ladies whose poor father couldn't afford wedding or dowry to marry them off - destining them instead to a life of prostitution. St. Nick supposedly threw a bag of gold through the window to pay for the wedding but, by the third attempt, the poor father was watching to determine the identity of the anonymous benefactor. Santa outsmarted him by dropping the last bag of coins down the chimney.
So, whenever you see Santa, he always travels with his three favourite sex workers - who seemingly never grow old. On a quiet, still Christmas night you can even hear him call them.
Ho! Ho! Ho! And to all a good night.
How are Jews and potatoes different?
A potato keeps its skin.
Why are modern women trash?
Because back in the day, a woman knew her place.
Father: "Fritz, light the Christmas tree!"
How do Chinese people name their kids?
They throw a wok down the stairs.
Why did Marxism never catch on in England?
Because then it would be impossible to get proper tea.
Why is Santa's sack always full?
Because he only comes once a year.
What does a Jew expecting guests say?
"Oy, vey, are they here yet?"
I watched a documentary about a man who grew up in the Catholic church.
It was a touching story.
For centuries the Catholic Church censored everything that wouldn‘t fit with their teachings. You know what I call that?
"Chancel culture!"
Do you know you’re supposed to wash your sex toys after you use them?
I guess that’s why Catholics invented baptism.
When Pope Pius IX died, he went to Heaven, knocked at the door, and St. Peter opened it: "Who are you? What do you want?”
"I am Pope Pius. I want to come to Heaven.”
“Where do you come from?"
"Rome."
“What do you mean? Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"No, Rome, Italy, of course."
“I'm very sorry, but I do not know you!”
To make sure not to erroneously deny access to an authorized person, Saint Peter takes the telephone, calls up God, and asks: "Hello, Boss, here is a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome, do you know him?"
"What do you mean: Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"No, Rome, Italy, of course."
"No, sorry, I don’t know him.”
Saint Peter makes another telephone call and rings up Jesus: "Hello, Junior, here’s a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome, do you know him?"
"Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"Rome, Italy."
"No, sorry, never heard of him.”
Saint Peter still does not give up and finally calls up the Holy Ghost and asks: "Hello, Smoky, here is a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome. Do you know him?"
"What does he mean, Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"He says Rome, Italy."
"No, sorry, I’m afraid I do not know this guy." But then, after a very short while, he continues: "Wait, wait, tell me, is that the guy who invented the damn story about Mary and me?"
Y'all heard of Poptarts, eh?
Well why are there no Momtarts?
Because of the PASTRYarchy!
Q. What's the best part of living in Alabama?
A. Not having to change your last name when you get married.
What does the word circumcise mean?
Cut off a boy's or a man's dick, or cut off a girl's or a woman's foreskin.
I was in the corner shop to buy some lottery tickets, and the Indian woman was sporting a red dot on her forehead. I scratched it off and won a fucking Ford Focus!
When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.
What did Donald Trump serve Justin Trudeau at the state dinner?
Poutine in traditional Russian dressing!
Why do people hit their electronics when they don’t work?
You keep the tradition of hitting black things.
What does a priest and Christmas tree have in common? The balls are just for decoration.