Worst Jokes Ever

I lost my job by giving up my seat to someone.

I didn't know you're not supposed to do that if you're a bus driver!

What’s the similarity between my dick and my girlfriend?

I beat both of them.

If you're happy and you know it, f*** your mom.

As a son, I was starting to do pranks. I told my mom’s boyfriend that she cheated on him and she doesn’t want to be with him anymore, and I told him that my mom said that he had a small penis. He left my mom, and she was mad at me. I thought it was funny.

Then I told my friend’s girlfriend that he cheated on her with another girl, and the girl told me that my friend had a small penis. He found out and wanted to confront me in my house. I wasn’t home. My friend told my mom what happened. Then my mom said the same thing happened to me. I came home one day, I saw my mom giving my friend a blow job. I asked what’s going on. My friend told me, "Your mom is my new girlfriend," and my mom said, "This is the penis of my dreams."

My Dad was mowing the grass today. I looked out the window and saw him slumped over the lawnmower. Apparently, he was just going through a rough patch.

What do you get when you cross a lawn mower and a parakeet?

Shredded tweet!

What do you get when you mix a lemon and a cat?

A sourpuss.

Bf: Hey, what ya doing?

Gf: Just lying in bed.

Bf: Just lying in bed?

Gf: And eating cereal.

Bf: Ha, nice, what would you do if I was in bed next to you...?

Gf: Eat my cereal.

Bf: I mean if the cereal wasn't there.

Gf: I'd get out of bed and get more cereal.

Q: How did the skeleton know it would rain? A: He read the weather forecast.

What happens to a baby when you let it run loose? It can't cause it can't run yet.

This boy was in school one day when he became desperate to go to the bathroom. So he asked the teacher, “May I use the bathroom?”

The teacher replied, “No, not unless you say your alphabet.”

So the boy said, “a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z.”

When he finished, the teacher asked him, “Where’s the p?”

The boy replied, “Half way down my leg...”

2 weeks here.

What do dicks and popsicles have in common?

They both like to be sucked on, and they sometimes choke you.

Why can’t the orphan play baseball?

Because they don’t know where home is.

A gay couple walks into a Muslim bar. The tender flares up and says, “let me guess, a little blood on the rocks?”

Would you rather get a massage from a man or get major surgery from a woman?

In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Did you hear about the cat jail break out? It was a cat-tastrophe.

Trees are just bushes with lift kits.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Tell her to slow down and use lubricants.

What do bungee jumping and a gay man have in common?

If the rubber breaks, they're in beep shit.