Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last as long for fat people.
Worst Jokes Ever
People were talking and asking what's the worst day of the year for them.
Person 1: "The first day of school because I don't like going to school."
Person 2: "Valentine's day because it's too lovey."
Me: "Oh nice, mine is my birthday because it's when I was born."
What is the difference in having a granny fetish and necrophilia? A few weeks.
What does a relationship and suicide have in common?
I always fail on committing.
If being ugly was a crime, you would get a life sentence.
A boy walks up to a girl and says, "I would tell you a joke about my dick, but it's too long." Then the girl says, "Yeah, I would tell you a joke about my pussy, but you'll never get it."
Dad: "I'm giving all your toys to the orphanage."
Kid: "Why are you doing that?"
Dad: "So you won't get bored there."
I wish my hair was depressed.
Cause then it would cut itself.
Teacher: Kids, what does a chicken give you?
Students: Eggs.
Teacher: Very good. Now, what does the pig give you?
Kids: Bacon.
Teacher: Excellent. Now, what does the fat cow give you?
Kids: Homework.
I asked my girlfriend if we could try my rape fantasy last night. She said no. It was the best night of my life.
A penis has a sad life.
His hair is a mess.
His family is nuts.
His neighbor is an asshole.
His best friend is a pussy.
And his owner beats him.
I named my dog 5-Miles, so now I tell people, "I walk 5-Miles every day."
What do you call a pregnant slave? Buy one get one free.
Science flies you to the moon, but religion flies you into skyscrapers.
Asian pregnancy test: Stick a Rubik cube into vagina. Wait 30 seconds, if it's solved then there's a little Asian in there.
April Fool's joke: Go to an orphanage and tell them, "Their parents came back."
"Knock knock."
Orphan: "Who's there?"
"Not your parents."
What's the difference between the Twin Towers and an ugly girl? The Twin Towers at least got fucked.
What's a suicidal person's favorite game?
Hangman.
A brother and a sister always got into fights. One day the brother tells the sister, "You're adopted!" The sister yells back, "At least they wanted me!"
