I threw a lamp at a depressed kid. I was just trying to brighten up his day.
Worst Jokes Ever
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
What did the science textbook say to the math textbook?
You've got a lot of problems!
What do you call a deer who is funny?
Diraleous.
She said you can twerk, so I put her in a tractor and put her to work. She got mad at me and said, "There's no good men," but I gave her a kob and equal pay!
I went to school with a gay guy who was really smart, but he always got mad that he got straight A's instead of getting all the D's.
My mom told me to make my dad smile, and she will give me $100, so I said, "The Cowboys are gonna win the Super Bowl." He smiled, but my mom didn't give it to me.
Anyways, I forgot about my package coming, and the mailman came, and I said, "I like your hat; teal looks nice on you," and he smiled, and my mom gave me $100.
Some of the most convincing people you'll ever listen to are born liars; usually they're called politicians.
What do you call a group of sped kids with AK-47s?
Special forces.
A little riddle...
Trump has it short, Kennedy has it long, the Pope has it but he doesn't use it, what is it?
...
Obviously the Surname, what are you thinking about you pervert?
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apple actually got picked.
What do you call a Mexican who's lost his car?
Carlos.
Two terrorists walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "What can I get you?"
The terrorists both say, "A beer."
The bartender overhears them talking about how they will kill 300 people and a donkey. The bartender says, "Why a donkey?"
One terrorist says, "See, I told you no one would care about the people!"
I can go to Walmart and scan my wrists. It'll say "antidepressants." ✨
I asked my mom why dad was so pale and sick. She said, "Shut the fuck up and keep digging!"
Twin Towers? No plane, plane targets.
Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?
In case they get a hole in one!
I watch my parents sleep with a knife in my hands. Only got caught once.
What’s the definition of “perfect pitch?”
Throwing a viola into the dumpster without hitting the rim.
Why don’t violists play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.