Worst Jokes Ever

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked at me surprised.

(P.S. I am not at that age plus I am as straight as a helix ruler.)

Stephen only died because his wife tripped over the power cord.

I've always wanted to WAVE to a dolphin, but it could never SEA me.

That dolphin is so WASHED up. WATER you say we get revenge?

GF: What did you use as kissing when you were little?

Me: My sister.

SWEET HOME ALABAMAA

A father is talking to his three kids.

Kid 1: Why is my name Rose?

Dad: Because when you were a kid, a rose fell on your head.

Kid 2: Why is my name Lily?

Dad: Because a lily fell on your head when you were a baby.

Kid 3: Auughhghhhggghhh!

Dad: Oh hey, Brick.

Heard the Helen Keller single?

It’s called ERRRRRAGHHH!!!

A Roman walks into a bar and orders a martinus. The bartender says, "Don't you mean a Martini?" The Roman then says, "Look, if I want a double, I'll ask for one."

I had to take my pet octopus to the vet yesterday.

Oh, don't worry, he's okay now.

But the vet charged me six quid.

What does Matthew McConaughey say at the Republican convention...

We're gonna take back what is ours, alt right, alt right, alt right, hee heeeee...

What is a failed abortion? Annabelle.

What would you call four Mexicans drowning in a lake?

*Answer: Quatro Cinco*

So my ex invited me to dinner with her new boyfriend.

Her boyfriend said "Hi."

I said, "Knife to meet you!"

Why do disabled people always get picked on?

Because they can’t stand up for themselves.

Q: Why is Japan the healthiest country?

A: Last time they had a fat man, 80,000 people died.

Why is September 11th the best birthday ever? No one forgets it :)

Why did the chicken cross the road?

It doesn't matter, he's dead.

OK, there are at least 3 pedophiles in your neighborhood.

But there are no pedophiles in my neighborhood; there are only three 10-year-old girls with juicy asses.

What do you call a lesbian? Me.

Once there were these two fruitcakes driving in their Pink Porsche. "Oh, this handles so well!" they exclaimed.

Then this Mack truck came around the corner at their stop sign and rear-ended them. The passenger said to his partner, "You tell that man he's gonna pay every single cent 'cause we're going to sue him!"

So the flamer gets out and swishes to tell the trucker to do that very thing. The trucker was a tough who said, "What do you want, wimp?" The gay said, "You just hit our new Pink Porsche, and we're gonna make you pay every single cent 'cause we're gonna sue you!"

The trucker said, "Oh yeah? Blow me!" The gay driver went "Ohhh!" and ran back. The gay partner asked him, "What did he say?" His fruitcake driver said, "Ohhh! It's wonderful, he wants to settle out of court!"

What do you call the longest reigning monarch?

The queen? No, she dead.