Worst Jokes Ever

My friend wanted to say egg puns, so I told him, "Omelette you do your egg jokes."

How did a man kill his car? He throttled it.

I want to die.

What do you call an Indian babysitter?

Nanny.

My nan coughed and threw up a lung. Now she is dead.

My water was leaking, so I used Flex Tape. Now I don't know where to shower. Thanks, Phil!

How many Americans does it take to fill the Grand Canyon?

4

What's yellow and can't swim?

A school bus full of screaming children.

Did you hear on the news that a midget psychic broke out of jail?

There is a small medium at large.

The first priest asks the second, "How long do we keep the babies in the holy water?" The priest replies, "No clue... I close my eyes when I masturbate!"

Me: *gives her 5 dollars* Climb that flag pole. Cute female: *takes the money and goes up the flag pole* Is this good? Me: Hell yeah, that's a nice view.

*Next day* Here's 10 dollars if you do it again. *She goes up there* Me: How's the view? *She goes home and her mom sees the money* Her mom: Where you getting this money? Her daughter: I climbed a flagpole. Her mom: You know he just wants you to see your panties, right? *She goes back and does it again but doesn't wear panties* Me: Holy shit ;-; Her mom: Did you do it again? Her daughter: Don't worry, Mom, he didn't get to see my panties. Her mom:...

Your mum is so poor, she can't afford free samples.

What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

Lean beef.

How does Moses make his coffee?

Hebrews it.

What does an Arab prostitute say?

"Bomb my pussy!"

Hellen Keller once said, "love is not something you see or hear, it is something you feel," but of course she said it like this "fbfebsovbforbw urbwbwvorb."

Q: What is a Mexican's favorite restaurant?

A: On The Border.

When you kill people in a war, it's perfectly fine, but when it's a school, everyone has a problem with it, wth.

There was one girl. She met 5000 guys. She had sex with each of them seven times. She became... - flip screen (=).

What's the difference between a car and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a car in my garage.