What’s the worst thing to do at a funeral?
The corpse.
My friend called me a dick earlier. I said, "You are what you eat." He then proceeded to run away from me.
What is the best part about Alabama prostitutes?
Family comes first.
What's red and green and goes 100 miles per hour? A frog in a blender.
A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!" Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself." She said, "Yes, I am!" The husband replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?" She said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."
Daughter: Dad, what's your opinion on abortions?
Dad: Ask your sister.
Daughter: But I don't have a sister.
Dad: Exactly.
What do you call a virgin in Alabama? An orphan.
When a military person dies, we shoot all night. When a drunkard dies, we drink all night. When a Christian dies, we pray all night. What if a prostitute dies? What should we do? Please tell me.
Today I was asked to go out by 17 women. Well, I was in the women's bathroom. 💀
What do you call it when you baptize a Mexican? Bean dip!
Like if you know someone is emo.
What do K-mart and Michael Jackson have in common?
They both have boys' pants half off.
YOOO, does anyone need an ark? I know a guy!
What do the twin towers and genders have in common? There used to be two, now they're a sensitive topic.
Grandpa: "You can't have phones within 15 feet of the table."
Me: "And you aren't allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school."
A doctor walks up to a dying man and sadly says: "I'm sorry, the test shows you only have 10 more to live."
The man says "10!? 10 what!? Years? Weeks? Days? What?!!?"
The doctor calmly replies "Nine".
Me: why are Americans so good at rubix cubing? Friend: why? Me: they have a history of separating colors.
Hey Siri, where is my dad?
Your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas.
HAH, jokes on you! My dad’s in the kitchen!
Your mom’s husband is in the kitchen, your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas.
...WhAT-
Life is like a box of chocolates... It ends sooner for fat people.
Wife: "Hi honey, I'm pregnant."
Husband: "Hi pregnant, I'm dad."
Wife: "No, you're not...."
