Worst Jokes Ever
What did one needle say to the other?
"You be looking sharp!"
What do you call a letter using the bathroom?
The P.
How does Moses make his cup of tea?
He brews it.
There is a man in the hospital. The power went out, and the man was stabbed to death. There are three witnesses: the nurse who was with another patient, the doctor who was reading some paperwork, and The Who who was at the vending machine. Who killed the man?
The mom did, because you can’t use a vending machine when the power's out!
How many line cooks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three. One to do it, and two to say that they did it better at the previous restaurant they were at.
What was the one test that Steven Hawking couldn't pass?
reCAPTCHA
When you're sitting in class and the quiet kid yells, "Lovely day, isn't it?" ... and you see a Glock shape in his pocket.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
My best friend ran away with my wife. I really miss him.
What do you call a heterosexual man performing fellatio on another heterosexual man?
Bisexual.
What do you call Stephen Hawking on fire?
Hot wheels.
Trump, must I say more?
Most people smother babies with love.
I smother them with pillows.
Cancer is like a video game.
Some people cannot beat it.
Why do Scottish men wear kilts?
Sheep can hear unzipping trousers from a distance of 100 yards.
There is a young man smoking and a woman in a wheelchair. The woman says, "Why is a young man like you smoking?" The man turns around and says, "Why the fuck are you wearing trainers?"
What do you call a Mexican that smokes weed? A baked bean.
Stephen Hawking is not dead; he just needs to charge.
What is the last thing that goes through a fly's head when it hits the windshield?
Its butt.
What did Gordon Ramsay say to Hitler?
“Oh my god, put them back in the damn ovens! They’re so under-cooked they’re writing fucking diaries!”