Worst Jokes Ever

What do you say to a pedophile at the beach?

Get out of my son!

You wanna hear a joke about my penis?

Never mind, it’s too long.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I don't wanna say this, but I have the flu.

Towing ropes can't be learned. They must be taut.

If I told you, you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?

Famous last words of my uncle, (a bomb disposal expert): "yes, the red wire."

Give a man a match, and he's warm for a few minutes. Set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Top tip; if your wife asks, "What would you like to do to my body?" 'Identify it' is the wrong answer.

Helen Keller is the kind of person to ask you what the time is.

All normal-sized babies are delivered by stork.

Heavier babies are delivered by crane.

Little Johnny went up to his mom and said: "Can I have some milk?"

He waited for three hours to get an answer.

His mom finally said: "No, your dad still isn't back with it."

I decided that I'll end it all, but when I drove off, I remembered I forgot to do the dishes.

When Little Johnny was about 3, he got curious and stuck his hand up a mannequin's pants. His mom says, "No, Little Johnny, there are teeth up there that will bite off your hand." Little Johnny thinks, "Oh no, I can't do that again."

A few years later, he was 15 and he had a girlfriend, and they were making out. She says, "Why don't you ever stick your hand up my pants?" He says, "Oh no, my mom says there are teeth that will bite off my hand up there." She says, "No, there isn't, just look!" Little Johnny looks and says, "Well, no wonder there ain't no teeth. By the way, them gums look..."

Me- *crying in the shower*

Also me- *why is my toaster in here?*

Are your hairline and forehead old friends, because they go way back?

The teacher asks, "Who is a Trump fan?" Everyone in the class, wanting to be liked by their teacher, all put their hands up, except for Little Johnny. The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, why are you being different again?" Little Johnny says, "Because I'm not a Trump fan." The teacher asks, "Why are you not a Trump fan?" and Little Johnny says, "Because my dad's a democrat and my mum's a democrat so I'm a democrat." And then his teacher says, "So if your dad was an idiot and your mum was a moron, what would that make you?" And Little Johnny replies, "A Trump fan."

The biggest inconvenience in 2001, I thought, was my brother. Turns out it was 9/11. I guess the planes saw him be born and died from how ugly he was. Aluh aluckbar.

When the doctor asks you what your zodiac sign is,

You respond: "cancer."

Doctor says: "Well, what a coincidence!"

if priests were on Twitter, they would tweet, "He's a 10 but he's 10."

If I had 10 dino nuggies and Jamal tried to take one, I would have ten dino nuggies and Jamal's head.