Worst Jokes Ever
How do you know cat's don't always land on their feet?
Mufasa.
What is a cow's favorite drink?
Mountain Moo!
When Kim Jong-un said "nuke the Chinese", he meant put the take away in the oven. Some simple misunderstandings start a war.
What did Tennessee do?
The same thing Arkansas did.
I'm really worried for Stephen Hawking, 'cause how is he going to climb the stairway to Heaven?
Did you hear about the tomato and the lettuce race?
Well, the lettuce was ahead, and the tomato was trying to ketchup!
I'll always remember my Dad's last words before he died on 9/11...
Allahu Akbar!
Girl 1: Dad, why is my name Rose?
Dad: Because a rose landed on your head.
Girl 2: Hey, Dad, why is my name Daisy?
Dad: Because a daisy landed on your head.
Boy: Hitddvjkyrefbhhhrurrrr!
Dad: Oh, hey Brick!
You'd think my son would be happy that Daddy bought him a new bike. But no... oh no, he just sits in his wheelchair and cries like a little girl.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I have five fingers, and the middle one is for you.
A man and a cow are stuck on train tracks, and there is a train in the distance about to hit both of them. A vegan sees this and tries to help. Who does he save, the man or the cow?
Neither. He isn't strong enough to lift either of them.
Roses are red... Orphans are blue... I killed the priest so I could rape them too.
They say watching child porn will get me 20 years in jail. I prefer to think of it as two 10-year-olds.
What’s a homo police dog?
A gay-9.
Three people explored the jungles, one was from France, one from Britain, and the other from America.
While exploring, they were captured by the tribe living there. The tribesmen told the three, "You three have invaded our territory, so we must kill you and use your bodies to create canoes. However, we aren't that heartless, so we'll let you choose your deaths."
So the French guy asked for a gun, pointed to his head, and said "Viva la France!" and shot himself. The Britain guy requested poison and said, "For the Queen!" and drank the poison. Lastly, the American asked for a spoon. The tribesmen were confused but still gave him the spoon. When the American got the spoon, he started stabbing himself, "Try make a canoe out of this one!"
How do you make a cat go "woof"?
... douse it in gasoline and set it on fire! "woof!"
If life gives you melons, you're probably dyslexic.
How do you know you're following a DeLorean? The white line disappears.
A man and a boy are walking into a forest. It begins to get dark. The boy says "Mister, I'm scared." The man replies "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone."
What’s Stephen Hawking’s favorite band? The Rolling Stones.