Worst Jokes Ever
I walked into the party and the host asked me if I would like a slice of pie.
I responded "yes," and he said: "okay, 14159."
[god creating alligators]
God: See that log?
Angel: Yes...?
God: Now fill it with teeth.
Angel: Say again?
God: FILL IT WITH TEETH!
Me: What did one toilet say to the other?
You: What?
Me: You look flushed!
I said to my pregnant wife, "Push, darling, come on, push harder, dear!" No, she wasn't giving birth; the bloody car would not start.
Q. What does Kenny get when he hugs his mom?
A. A boner.
James Woods, starring in the newest movie: "September 11, two thousand fun."
What games would deaf people not be good at?
Simon says and Musical chairs.
Why was JFK stupid? He only had half a brain.
I'll never forget my Grandad's last words... "Son, where did you get a grenade from?!"
What body part do pigs have that humans don’t have?
A hambone.
A women's knitters group is having a meeting, and they are all pregnant. They all talk about their pregnancies.
One woman says, "I'm taking vitamin C so my baby has a healthy immune system."
Another knitter says, "I'm taking folic acid to help my baby's brain."
Finally, one woman says, "I'm taking Thalidomide!"
All the women turn to her and say, "Thalidomide! Don't you know your baby could be born without arms?"
The woman shrugs her shoulders and says, "I don't know how to knit arms."
Where do fish keep their money?
In a riverbank!
Did you know ghosts are alcoholics?
They only come out for the boos.
Why do cats leave scratches on arms? They don't; I do it myself.
How do you make a builder cry?
Kill his family.
Why is the B so cool? Because it’s in between A and C.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. -- I'm doing well, but I do get cannelloni.
Christmas special
Me: Can you describe Mrs. Claus in 3 words? Santa: Ho ho ho.
I found Nemo.
He was tasty.
I slept like a log last night... woke up in the fireplace.