Worst Jokes Ever

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.

Why can't orphans go to sleepovers?

Their parents never say yes.

Sam is a kindergartener. One day, Sam’s teacher told him to learn the first few letters of the alphabet. Later that night, Sam asked his moody sister what the first letter of the alphabet was, and she replied with “Oh, what’s the point. Life is meaningless...”.

Sam then went up to his room and found his brother crying on the floor. Sam asked him what the next letter was. “I hate you!” said Sam’s brother, so Sam left the room. Sam went to his mom and asked her what the third letter was. “You stupid f*****,” his mom yelled at him. So Sam went to ask his Grandpa what the fourth letter is, and his grandpa didn’t reply, so Sam went to bed.

The next day, Sam’s teacher called on him to tell the class what the first letter is, and he answered with “Oh, what’s the point. Life is meaningless...” and the teacher sent him to the school counselor. As he left the room, he yelled at his teacher “I hate you!”

As Sam arrived at the counselor’s office, she said she had called his parents and they wanted him to be safe and locked up in a padded cell. “You stupid f*****,” Sam screamed as he heard the ambulance sirens getting nearer. As the ambulance drove away, Sam, in his straight jacket, was silent.

Did you hear that Daft Punk came out with a cook book?

It's called "One More Thyme."

So there's a little girl playing hopscotch at the front of her house while her mother hangs up the washing and her father mows the lawn. She says, "Step on a crack and you break your mother's back." The father laughs, until his daughter steps on a crack resulting in her mother's back breaking.

The little girl's father looks in terror, she then says, "Step on a line and you break your father's spine." The father closes his eyes waiting for his spine to break, but nothing happens. When he opens his eyes again he sees that he is ok, and nothing has happened to him. Suddenly he hears someone yell out "OW MY SPINE!" The father runs around the corner to see the mailman laying on the floor.

What did the cow and bull do for their first date? - Dinner and a Moovie.

What's the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? Bigfoot has been sighted.

Chuck Norris doesn't zoom out; everything moves backwards.

I tried to take a fog machine, but I took the wrong one. Needless to say, it was a big mist-take.

What kind of shorts do clouds wear?

Thunderwear.

What do you call a paralyzed turtle?

Shell shocked.

There was a kid named Buttitches, and his teacher was taking attendance. Then the teacher asked, "What is your name?" And he answered, "Buttitches." Then the teacher asked again, "What's your name?" and he replied, "Buttitches." Then a student yelled out, "JUST SCRATCH YOUR ASS ALREADY!"

I was going to write a corny joke, but those are a bit too EAR-itating.

To whomever stole my anti-depression pills, I hope you're happy now.

At every funeral, it's a try-not-to-say-"big mood"-challenge for me.

Why do pedophiles go to a nursery?

Early access.

Q: What was the name of Michael Jackson's last book?

A: The ins and outs of child rearing.

What's black, white, and red all over?

A nun that fell down the stairs.

What's black, white, and laughing?

The nun that pushed her.

What's the worst part about hearing a special needs kid getting hit by a car?

Having to listen to the wheelchair scraping for a mile and a half.

Yo mama so stupid, she hides behind a glass door when playing hide and seek.