Worst Jokes Ever
What’s the difference between 911 and an abortion?
With 911 there was a victim to tell the tale.
What happens when a computer thinks it knows better than a human?
Ask Boeing.
What is common in my AirPods and the Titanic?
They sync properly.
If a woman gets raped, just walk away, don't bother. Cheer on the rapist if you want.
They believe they are equal to men, right? So they are able to fight back, right? Then prove it! My EQUALITY!
What do you call a retarded person and a stroke victim in the same bed?
Mashed potatoes.
If Al Gore started a math rock band, it should be called Algorhythm.
What is the difference between a whore and an onion?
You don't cry when you chop a whore.
A little girl and a little boy are taking a bath together when the little girl looks down and asks, "What's that?" The little boy says, "That's my little red race car." 10 minutes later, the boy looks down and asks, "What's that?" The little girl says, "That's my little red race car garage."
So later that night the boy asks the little girl if he can put his little red race car in her little red race car garage. She says yes, and they pull down their pants and the boy tries putting his little red race car in her garage, but it won't fit. Downstairs, the mother hears an ear-piercing scream and runs upstairs, flips on the lights, and sees blood on the floor. The mother asks, "What happened?" The little girl says, "We tried putting his car in my garage and it wouldn't fit, so I cut the back wheels off."
What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?
An outlaw is wanted.
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?
Christopher Walken.
If at first you don't succeed,
Maybe Russian Roulette isn't for you.
What bird doesn’t need a comb?
Bald eagles.
Some people can juggle chainsaws. Chuck Norris can juggle people juggling chainsaws.
Why do pedophiles go to a nursery?
Early access.
Jeff, did you hear they're making a film about Jimmy Savile? It’s a very touchy subject.
Yeah, I did, Gary, but did you hear the reviews on the Bill Cosby film? People said it was so boring it put them to sleep.
What's the smartest crime?
3rd degree murder.
My girl is so cute when she sleeps. I watch her all the time... Tomorrow I might say hi to her for the first time.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you ♥️.
Why did Michael Jackson dangle his baby out the window?
He was airing his blanket.
Therapist: So how depressed would you say you’ve been feeling lately?
Me: I don’t care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where a monster can get it.
Therapist [whispering]: Jesus, wow.