Worst Jokes Ever
Sir William Herschel discovered Uranus in 1781, 200 years before you were born. How did he do that?
Today, there was a big test for Little Timmy. During the test, Timmy had to take a really huge shit. So, he rushed to the bathroom. He took a while in there.
When he was done, he realized there was no more toilet paper left. Since there was nothing around him to use, the only thing he could do was wipe with his hand. His time in the bathroom was up, and he needed to finish that test! He didn’t have time to wash his hands. So, he hurried back. The problem was, the hand he wiped with was his right hand. He used his left hand to complete the test, which made him fail. When he got home, his mother was standing there crossing her arms. “Timmy, the teacher had called and said you wrote sloppy on your test. Why is that?” Timmy replied, “Oh, it’s because I caught a leprechaun with my right hand, but if I opened it, my classmates would scare him away, so I had to use my left.” Timmy’s mother glared at him with disbelief. “Timmy, I don’t believe you. Now open your hand!” Timmy did so and opened his hand. “See, mother? I said you’d scare the shit out of him!”
What's the most fun a monk can have?
Nun.
Why did the legless kid think he won a race?
Because everybody already left.
Remember what one of my gay friends told me: it's only cannibalism if you swallow.
My hair strainer is hotter than you.
Smash or pass?
"Smash," said the iceberg.
TItanic:...
So here's the joke. A bear walks into a bar and sits down and then....then..........then................................zzzz
Pickup lines in 2022 are like: "Are you Russia? Because your bombs are so big!"
Alabama.
Every time there's a family reunion, a baby is born 9 months later.
Father O'Reilly ran into a young woman whose mother attended his church at the market. "Ah, Mary Agnes, congratulations!"
She gave him a puzzled look. "On what?"
"Your mother tells me you've been praying to St. Gerard and finally got pregnant, it's a miracle."
Mary Agnes sighed. "My mother needs to get hearing aids if she's going to eavesdrop on my phone calls to friends. I said it'll be a miracle if I get pregnant since the only thing I'm fucking is a St. Bernard."
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
The only person I'd have a cooking lesson with is Hitler.
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?
Apples are actually picked.
The depressed kid at school tried giving the tree a high five.
It left him hanging.
What's so special about bullets?
They do work after they are fired.
Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.
Why didn’t the bike stand on its own?
It was too tired.
Person 1: "Where was Hiroshima?"
Person 2: "In Japan."
Person 1: "No wonder! That's why they never saw it coming."
Look, I didn't hit rock bottom. I gracefully floated down there like Mary Poppins with an umbrella.