Worst Jokes Ever

My ex still misses me... But her aim is getting better every time!

What do astronauts eat off of? A satellite dish.

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.

Why do some men call their testicles "bells"? Because it's next to their "ding-dong."

Sam is a kindergartener. One day, Sam’s teacher told him to learn the first few letters of the alphabet. Later that night, Sam asked his moody sister what the first letter of the alphabet was, and she replied with “Oh, what’s the point. Life is meaningless...”.

Sam then went up to his room and found his brother crying on the floor. Sam asked him what the next letter was. “I hate you!” said Sam’s brother, so Sam left the room. Sam went to his mom and asked her what the third letter was. “You stupid f*****,” his mom yelled at him. So Sam went to ask his Grandpa what the fourth letter is, and his grandpa didn’t reply, so Sam went to bed.

The next day, Sam’s teacher called on him to tell the class what the first letter is, and he answered with “Oh, what’s the point. Life is meaningless...” and the teacher sent him to the school counselor. As he left the room, he yelled at his teacher “I hate you!”

As Sam arrived at the counselor’s office, she said she had called his parents and they wanted him to be safe and locked up in a padded cell. “You stupid f*****,” Sam screamed as he heard the ambulance sirens getting nearer. As the ambulance drove away, Sam, in his straight jacket, was silent.

There was a kid named Buttitches, and his teacher was taking attendance. Then the teacher asked, "What is your name?" And he answered, "Buttitches." Then the teacher asked again, "What's your name?" and he replied, "Buttitches." Then a student yelled out, "JUST SCRATCH YOUR ASS ALREADY!"

What is the difference between a snow woman and a snowman?

Snowballs.

I was going to write a corny joke, but those are a bit too EAR-itating.

Q: How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Wanna go ride a bike?

What do you call a paralyzed turtle?

Shell shocked.

I tried to take a fog machine, but I took the wrong one. Needless to say, it was a big mist-take.

What kind of shorts do clouds wear?

Thunderwear.

what did the woman do after meeting up with a rapist?

sue the dating site for matching her with him.

So there's a little girl playing hopscotch at the front of her house while her mother hangs up the washing and her father mows the lawn. She says, "Step on a crack and you break your mother's back." The father laughs, until his daughter steps on a crack resulting in her mother's back breaking.

The little girl's father looks in terror, she then says, "Step on a line and you break your father's spine." The father closes his eyes waiting for his spine to break, but nothing happens. When he opens his eyes again he sees that he is ok, and nothing has happened to him. Suddenly he hears someone yell out "OW MY SPINE!" The father runs around the corner to see the mailman laying on the floor.

To whomever stole my anti-depression pills, I hope you're happy now.

What did the cow and bull do for their first date? - Dinner and a Moovie.

What's the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? Bigfoot has been sighted.

I wanted to be an astronaut, but my parents always told me when I was little that the sky was the limit.

At every funeral, it's a try-not-to-say-"big mood"-challenge for me.

Q: What was the name of Michael Jackson's last book?

A: The ins and outs of child rearing.