Worst Jokes Ever

Weather is like sex. Once in a while you need to get wet.

In a normal country, they have lemonade. In Soviet Russia, they have Leninade: "Refresh yourself with a cold war."

Why did Sally fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Not Sally.

What's a pedophile's favorite type of shoe?

White Vans.

Why did Stephen Hawking die? He didn't pay his electricity bills.

One day I was walking around, then saw this mom mad at her kid and screamed, "You're adopted!" He said, "Yeah, I know. My REAL mommy is still at home with daddy."

How do you start a rave?

Throw a flashbang into the epileptic ward of a hospital.

Q: There were two tampons walking down the road the other day. Guess what they said to each other?

A: Nothing, 'cause they're both stuck-up cunts.

Sir William Herschel discovered Uranus in 1781, 200 years before you were born. How did he do that?

What does Stephen Hawking say after sex? That was wheely good.

What do a convention of nerds and Kurt Cobain's garage have in common?

There's brains all over the place.

There are two siblings, a little brother and a big brother. Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have sex. So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night and take her home. So they get to the bigger brother's house and walk into his room. Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk beds. When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have sex. The big brother says, "Whenever you feel good, say 'lettuce,' and whenever you want to switch positions say 'tomato'." The girl constantly is saying "lettuce, tomato," and then the little brother wakes up. He quietly remarks, "Can you guys stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over me."

Today, there was a big test for Little Timmy. During the test, Timmy had to take a really huge shit. So, he rushed to the bathroom. He took a while in there.

When he was done, he realized there was no more toilet paper left. Since there was nothing around him to use, the only thing he could do was wipe with his hand. His time in the bathroom was up, and he needed to finish that test! He didn’t have time to wash his hands. So, he hurried back. The problem was, the hand he wiped with was his right hand. He used his left hand to complete the test, which made him fail. When he got home, his mother was standing there crossing her arms. “Timmy, the teacher had called and said you wrote sloppy on your test. Why is that?” Timmy replied, “Oh, it’s because I caught a leprechaun with my right hand, but if I opened it, my classmates would scare him away, so I had to use my left.” Timmy’s mother glared at him with disbelief. “Timmy, I don’t believe you. Now open your hand!” Timmy did so and opened his hand. “See, mother? I said you’d scare the shit out of him!”

What's the most fun a monk can have?

Nun.

What did the dime say to the penny? At least I have more cents than you.

I never knew how to use a boomerang, until it hit me.

“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

Alzheimer's protesters march chanting. "What do we want? Better treatment... When do we want it? ...Want what?"

What's so special about bullets?

They do work after they are fired.

My friend told me my wrist wasn't a cutting board. So I asked her if hers was at all, and if I could borrow it.