Worst Jokes Ever
I told my friend that if he ever wants 50% off something at a store, just to take me with him and scan my wrist.
So my dad said to me and my sister, "Don't fight," but did he mean "fist fight" or "yelling fight?"
My life is a joke.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Michael Jackson was working on a cover of a popular Elton John song when he died...
His version was to be called "Don't Let Your Son Go Down on Me"...
A panda walks into a bar. He asked the bartender for a sandwich and then proceeds to shoot him, then leaves the bar. Later on, after asking witnesses, the police track down the panda and take him to the station. They question him and ask, “Why’d you do it?” The panda replied, “It’s what pandas do, look it up.” So they did, they went on Wikipedia, and there it was: Pandas eat shoots and leaves.
The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.
Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a while. But set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
What does Madeleine McCann and my old Xbox have in common?
They both died with red rings.
Your hairline is so bad that it makes Lebron's hairline look normal.
Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.
How do you cover 12 holes with one hole?
Take a flute and shove it up your ass.
What is a pedophile's favorite part of a hockey game?
Before the first period.
I asked my midget neighbor if he wanted a lift. He told me to "Fuck off!!!" I thought, what a cheeky cunt and zipped my backpack up and walked away.
A man shoots up a school and then fakes his own death. He then later returns to shoot up the same school. He repeats the process a few times until the police catch him. When they ask why he did it, he replied, "I wondered when you would check if I was still breathing."
If you are going to make fun of someone, make fun of orphans. What are they going to do, tell their parents?
Double whammy.
Dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old.
What do you call a redneck on fire?
A fire cracker.
Did you know that towels are the leading cause of dry skin?
What's Al-Qaeda's favorite sports team?
The New York Jets.
How does a blind person know when a skydive has finished?
The dog lead went slack.