Worst Jokes Ever
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I have been tripping all day!
Why is Santa's sack so big?
He only comes once a year.
What do you get when you cross a vacuum and a rooster?
A cock sucker.
You wanna know what I want for Christmas? My dad to come back with the milk he said he was gonna get.
What's both red, white and sometimes purple?
My arms...
What is killing your friend called?
A homie-side.
Helen Keller picked up a cheese grater, it was the most violent story she'd ever read.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I blew forty bucks in there."
Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Tina is actually your sister."
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again, and she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister."
This went on a couple of times, and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: "Mum, I am so mad at Dad! I fell in love with six girls, but I can't date any of them because Daddy is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says:
"My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your father!"
Once you go Asian, you can solve the equation.
Why do emo people want to be called scene now? The only thing I've seen from them is their suicide rate climbing.
What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?
A pair of gloves!
Nah, I’m not that mean, he’s still trying to open his presents.
So, some thieves robbed me the other day. They took everything I owned, except for the soap, towels, and deodorant.
Dirty bastards.
Suicidal people are groundbreaking.
A kid walks in late to class. The teacher asks him, "Why are you late?" and he replies, "I was busy throwing pebbles in the lake." Another kid walks in late to class, and the teacher asks him, "Why are you late?" and he replies, "I was busy throwing pebbles in the lake." The last kid walks in and the teacher says, "Why are you late?...and why are you wet?" and the kid says back, "Remember, my name is Pebbles!!"
If I were a party, then anxiety must be the cousin depression felt obligated to bring to the party, and insomnia the little annoying sibling.
What does Stephen Hawking have in common with a bull? They both charge.
What is the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
The wheelchair.
I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.
Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.
After an explosion at a French cheese factory... all that was left was De Brie.