Worst Jokes Ever
What is the difference between a feminist and a vegetarian? A vegetarian doesn't eat meat for moral, religious, or health reasons. However, a feminist doesn't act like a bitch for moral, religious, or health reasons.
What's a depressed person's favorite drink?
Depresso expresso.
JK, it's bleach.
What do you call a flat-chested emo girl?
A cutting board.
I hate family reunions.
I see too many of my ex's there.
Little Johnny went on a camping trip. All the tents were taken, so he shared with the teacher. So Little Johnny says: "Can I play with your bellybutton? My mom always lets me when we camp." So the teacher says: "Sure." 5 minutes later the teacher says: "Woah, woah, woah that's not my bellybutton!" Little Johnny says: "Woah, woah, woah, that's not my finger."
My girlfriend is 19 and I'm 29. We go out to eat in a restaurant, but the whole time I have to deal with being accused of being a pedo, being called disgusting and disturbed.
It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.
What do you get when you cross a clergyman and a politician?
A panhandler.
Someone asked me, "What are them scars on your arm?" I thought I was playing a violin.
What do you call an orphan's family tree? A stump.
Sorry for all the jokes, I'll end it.
Why do Japanese people hate Christmas?
Because the last time a "FatMan" went down their chimney they lost half of their population.
Want to know why parents don't get school shooting jokes?
Because they are aimed at a younger audience.
How do parents punish their blind kids?
They re-arrange the furniture.
What’s the opposite of an exorcism?
It’s when Satan has to tell the priest to come out of the child.
I bet my friend $5 that he would die drowning.
A depressing but satisfying victory.
Why did the United Nations stop the french government from using the guillotine in public?
because the french government was using the guillotine in public on newborn baby boys for circumcision.
What is the worst motivational thing to say to a suicidal person?
"If at first you don’t succeed, try again and again until you succeed."
I told my girlfriend that the world is flat.
She said, "but the world is round."
I said, babe, you are my world.
Why can’t an orphan get suspended or expelled from school? Because they need to contact parents.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his dick.
The bartender asks him why.
And the pirate says:
"Argh, It's driving me nuts."