Worst Jokes Ever
Why did they invent glow-in-the-dark condoms? So gay people can play Star Wars.
I can measure the speed of an object, because I want to km/s.
Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "Mommy, mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started...". The mother cuts him off and says "Just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me." Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I'm leaving you... Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier." Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. "Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle Joe last summer."
What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?
I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.
Did you know the pool in the Titanic is still full?
Little Johnny's mom is taking a shower. Little Johnny walks in and asks, "What is that in between your legs?" Mommy says, "That is my keyhole." The next day, Little Johnny sees his dad taking a shower and Little Johnny asks, "What is that in between your legs?" Daddy says, "That is my key." The next day Little Johnny says to his dad, "Looks like the neighbor has the key to Mommy's keyhole too."
Q: What did the drunk emo say to the bartender?
A: Nothing! He was hung over.
Orphan: "I want to kill my parents."
People: "I don't think you have the facilities for that, big man."
Grandma: Young people your age are married by now, why aren’t you?
Me: Old people your age are dead right now, why aren’t you?
What do you call a drunk, depressed man that skydives?
Splattered.
I lost my black friend in the shadows. I lost my white friend on the wall. I lost my Asian friend in the sand and I lost my Islamic friend in the bombings.
When you’re hiding from the school shooter next to people who made fun of you for having an Android: “HEY SIRI”
What happens when an asian with an erection bumps into a wall? he breaks his nose
What's great about an emo pizza?
It cuts itself. Yay!
Q: What was the orphan's first phone?
A: The iPhone X because it had no home button.
Do you know how to make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
Did you know my grandpa was part of World War 2? He killed Hitler.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
Little Sally found out that she had hair on her private area and went up to her mom and asked, "Mom, I have hair on my privates, what is it?"
"Oh honey, that's your monkey," the mom says.
So little Sally runs up to her big sister and says, "My monkey has hair on it!" So the sister replies with a laugh, "You think that's cool? My monkey is already eating bananas!"
For orphans, every bag of chips is family size.