Worst Jokes Ever
You're so ugly that even Hello Kitty said goodbye.
Kobe Bryant never missed a shot.
But he nailed that mountain.
The coach of the Detroit Lions had put together the perfect football team. But then his quarterback got blindsided and was out for the season with a knee injury.
Then his backup went down with a concussion. He tried the trading route, free agents, but nobody any good was available.
One evening while watching the news from Iraq, he saw a young Iraqi soldier with an amazing arm. The soldier rifled a grenade on a perfect arc into a 4th story window from 100 yards, bam!
He tossed another directly into a tight group of 12 enemy fighters 80 yards away, ka-bam! Then a humvee passed, going 60 kph, boom! Another perfect shot!
Coach said to himself, "I got to have this guy. He's got the best arm I've ever seen!"
He tracks him down and convinces him to come to Detroit. The kid takes coaching perfectly, makes all the plays, and long story short, the Lions win the Super Bowl.
The Iraqi is now the Conquering Hero in pro football, and a huge story. But when the broadcast team tries to interview him, all he wants is to phone his mom.
"Mother," he yells over the phone, "We just won the Super Bowl!"
"Don't talk to me," the woman says. "You abandoned us. You can't be my son."
The young Iraqi begs, "Mom, you don't understand! Our team won the biggest game here in the U.S. Thousands of fans are screaming for me. The U.S. President is going to call me!"
"I don't care," his mother snaps. "Right now I can hear gunshots everywhere. Our block is like a ruin. Your brothers were beaten half to death last night, and your sister was nearly raped."
Then she says, "I can never forgive you for making us move to Detroit."
Frank: "I am named Frank because my grandpa lived in Frankfurt during his best years."
Finley: "I am named Finley because my grandmother was in Finland during her early twenties!"
Mia: "Can we please change the subject?"
Why can’t orphans go on school trips?
They need a parent signature.
My wife said I have no sense of direction.
I said, "Where did that come from?"
What do you call two gay Irishmen?
Patrick Fitz Gerald, and Gerald Fitz Patrick.
How many gay guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one... But it takes the entire emergency room to take it out.
You look good with anything, but nothing works too.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue, I’d rather be single than with someone like you.
Why did the drum take a nap? It was beat.
How do parents punish a blind kid? They rearrange the furniture.
They say that the tongue is the strongest muscle in the human body. Wanna fight? 👅💦
Theory is when you know everything but nothing works.
Practice is when everything works but no one knows why.
In our lab, theory and practice are combined: Nothing works and no one knows why.
They made a horror movie about the Chinese president.
It's called "Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey."
Your mom is so fat that when she fell on the sidewalk, nobody laughed, but the sidewalk cracked up.
What do you call a cleaning skeleton?
The Grim Sweeper.
Who is the man behind all lives matter?
Michael Jackson.
How to respond if someone starts looking at the photos on your phone.
Step 1: Jab your thumbs into their eye sockets.
Yo mama is so fat, she wakes up on both sides of the bed.