Worst Jokes Ever

What's the difference between me and cancer?

My dad did not beat cancer.

I want to be like pizza so I can get cut into 8 pieces.

People tell me to be nice to orphans, so I say, "What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?"

Why couldn't the NASA astronaut enter his rocket to leave Earth?

There wasn't enough space to fly it.

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*Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stockpiled "just in case".

The whole lot collapsed and buried him.

When I shit in the toilet, I think that if I shit hard enough, I can see my asshole plug.

I live inside my own world of make-believe. Kids screaming in their cradles, profanities. I see the world through eyes covered in ink and bleach. Cross out the ones who heard my cries and watched me weep. I love everything. Fire's spreading all around my room. My world's so bright. It's hard to breathe, but that's alright. Hush, shh.

Tape my eyes open to force reality (oh no, no). Why can't you just let me eat my weight in glee? I live inside my own world of make-believe. Kids screaming in their cradles, profanities. Some days I feel skinnier than all the other days, And some days I can't tell if my body belongs to me. I love everything. Fire's spreading all around my room. My world's so bright. It's hard to breathe, but that's alright. Hush, shh.

I wanna taste your content. Hold your breath and feel the tension. Devils hide behind redemption. Honesty is a one-way gate to hell. I wanna taste consumption. Breathe faster to waste oxygen. Hear the children sing aloud. It's music 'til the wick burns out. Hush.

Just wanna be carefree lately, yeah. Just kicking up daisies. Got one too many quarters in my pockets. Count 'em like the four-leaf clovers in my locket. Untied laces, yeah. Just tripping on daydreams. Got dirty little lullabies playing on repeat. Might as well just rot around the nursery and count sheep.

I hate it when couples get into a little fight and they change their Facebook status to "single." I have fights with my parents, but I don't change my Facebook status to "orphan."

Roses are red, Tomatoes are redder. I think we both know, I like you better.

Q: Why can't orphans play baseball?

A: They can't find home.

When a guy falls, it hurts them there. When a woman falls, it hurts more.

Poopoo man.

What did the store manager say when they ran out of toilet paper?

We’re wiped out!

My sis said only garlic and onions can make you cry.

So I threw an orange at her.

When you know that everyone thinks you're a hoe.

WHEN Y'ALL ARE MY HOES!

Your mom's hot.

Me and my brother talking about relationships.

Me: We live kind of differently.

Brother: We're sort of alike.

Me: We're not alike.

Brother, because he's taken: 'Cause you don't have a boyfriend!

My thoughts: You're right. 'Cause I have a girlfriend!

In the new Grinch, the Whos would say he stole Christmas, "Get him!" Then the Grinch said, "I'm an orphan!" That changes everything. The Whos said, "What would they do if Max was an orphan?"

What is the difference between a nun and a prostitute?

One says, "God is my father." The other says, "Who's the father and who is my son?"