Worst Jokes Ever
I’d tell a sodium and hydrogen pun, but NaH.
Did you hear about Johnny Depp's shelter for abused women? It's going as well as Michael Jackson's children's hospital!
I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.
Bully: "Nobody loves you."
Me: "Aww, it must have hurt when your mom told you that."
These jokes are so dark they almost stole my bike.
What's the difference between Johnny Depp and an orphan?
An orphan has all their teeth intact.
Why don't orphans like to get lost?
Because somebody's going to ask where their parents are.
What is the difference between a coconut and your ex?
One is fun to knock down by throwing rocks at, the other one is a coconut.
Once there were twins, Mark and Michael. Mark was the owner of an old boat. It so happened that Michael's wife died the same day that Mark's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Mark and mistook him for Michael. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible." Mark, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Heck no. In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water; she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle!" The old lady fainted.
Why are vaginas and the Mariana Trench similar? Lots of seamen go missing there.
I turned off all the beeping machines in the hospital. I love the peace and quiet, but I don't know why everyone is sleeping cause it's only 8 am.
A husband comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can’t cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can’t fuck."
Everything I fall in love with leaves me. Maybe if I fall in love with my depression, it'll leave me too.
What is yellow and can’t swim?
A school bus full of children.
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks!
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan.
How do you get my neighbor out of their tree?
You untie the rope.
In my spare time I help blind children. -- I mean the verb, not the adjective.
Q: Why did the young boy ask his parents to take him to the Cowboys’ AT&T Stadium during the tornado warning?
A: He said, “There’s never a touchdown there.”
What do you call a boomerang that does not come back?
An orphan's parents.