Worst Jokes Ever
I know what I want to be for Halloween! A pumpkin! I'm very good at carving into myself, after all.
I woke up this morning thinking it was gonna be a great day. But then I realized I was still alive.
Teacher: Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up. Class: *no one stands up* Teacher: Oh c'mon. I know someone over here is dumb. *waves her finger around the left side of the room* Little Johnny: *stands up* Teacher: Oh, Johnny, you think you're dumb? Little Johnny: No, I just feel bad you're standing alone.
The other day, me and my friend were at the shops buying crafts. I was wearing a black top; she was wearing a stripy top. We were arguing about who was more creative when she asked me to prove that I am. I just said, "You buy your stripes, I make mine."
I told my dad I was self harming. The next day we talked about it and he said, "Hey you should CUT it out." It was funny but I couldn't bring myself to laugh at that.
How do you get your grass to cut itself?
Make it depressed.
Son: Dad? Why is mommy no longer with us?
Dad: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Son: Why?
Dad: To get to the other side, but your mother only made it about halfway.
What turns red, blue then white? The last person that I'd strangle.
Teacher: Kids, what are some things you have that make you happy? Kid 1: I have my family to make me happy. Kid 2: I have my friends to make me happy. Teacher: What about you, Sean? Sean: I have to take pills to make me happy...
- Mommy, I want a bicycle!
- Shut up, Sam! You've already got your wheelchair!
What do Michelangelo and Hitler have in common?
They both used their brain to paint the ceiling.
What does Johnny Depp do when his kids are not home?
Cocaine.
What's the difference between a rooster and a prostitute?
The rooster says... "cock-a-doodle-doo." The prostitute says... "any cock will do."
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
When midgets smoke weed, do they get high or do they get medium?
A blonde crashed a helicopter. A police officer asked her what happened. She says, "It got cold so I turned off the fan."
Your hairline is like the universe, still waiting to be discovered.
"White people can't jump"...
"You must not have seen the twin towers on 9/11."
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? -- Because they lactose.
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, the guy asked his girlfriend how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it!" she replied, "Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
She said, "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!' I’m like, hellooooo! It’s only 25 cents!"