Told jokes

The highest praise my wife gave to me was when she told me, "The best feminine attribute on your body as a woman would be your p🍆nis." 🥰

Once in 4th grade, right now, I told a random tree, "Hey, my day is bad right now, can we hang later?"

The tree said: "Yeah, we are going to be hanging every day :) !!! If you can last :)"

A friend of mine told me something that I cannot forget, and I am now traumatized to hell. The next day a kid was set for an amber alert that looked exactly like my DEAR friend! :)

People say towers can't move. Apparently, nobody told that to the Trade Centers.

I told a disabled kid to get in my van. Well, it’s been two years, and he still hasn’t gotten into the van.

What did the shoe tell the feet?

"Put me on your feet!"

This girl called me cute, and I told her don’t call me that. She says why, I told her, “Bitch, call me the Hokage!”

A farmer had a donkey and a dog. One night, he was getting robbed by a thief. The donkey told the dog to bark, but the dog refused. So the donkey brayed very loudly, and the thief ran out of the house, and the farmer beat up the donkey.

My sister said download "Among Us" on my iPad, so I did. Then she taught me to play. Then she told me a code and told me where to put it, and I typed in the code.

Then she was the imposter, and I was a crewmate, so I was sticking with her, and she killed me when we made it to the medbay.

I told a girl she was cute, and she said, "Aw, tysm."

How does she know I have that?

My dad never came back with the milk. My mom told me he's in the army.

The old cookoo master on the top of Mt. Qinshan told me this when I was eating sushi:

"The first bite tastes like heaven, the second takes you there."

😳

My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.

I'm a teacher at a high school, but I got fired. They told me I didn't do any work even though I always did a skele-ton.

I saw a man today wearing a t-shirt that said "I'm with stupid."

I told him, "You know, that's not very nice."

He looked at me and said, "I'm with stupid, too."

What did the doctor say to the potato?

It told it it had tuberculosis.

My teacher told me to have a good day. SOOOOOOOOOO I went home :)

I heard Danielle Smith likes trains.

So I told her to go stand in front of one.

1st graders: Ay yo girl, I think you’re beautiful, let’s get married!!

2nd graders: Uhh, don’t tell my mom that we’re dating!! She won’t let me date! Let’s keep this a seeeeecret heeheehee.

3rd graders: Uh, my teacher told me to stay after school because I wrote a poem about you and I’m 9 years old, we have to break up, sweetie.

4th graders: Hey, I think you’re cute!! Wanna date? I don’t think my girlfriend will mind.......

5th graders (they start wearing makeup): Ay girl, your eyelashes are pretty, I like you now, wanna date? Here’s my numberrrrrr.

6th graders: Heyyyyy, I gotta tell you a secret, I got a crush on you!! Don’t tell anyone!! Byeee, ooh, I’ll text you later!

7th graders: We need to make Peyton jealous because she broke up with you!! Wanna date? I mean, you’re not hot, but still, great personalityyyyy, alright, bye now.

8th graders: Hi sweetheart, I got STARRRBUCKKKSSS

Me: UGLY AF AND LITERALLY NO BOYFRIEND.....

During a show, I once asked the crowd if they were pro-guns, and the majority belted out in approval.

I asked a man in the front row why he was pro-guns, and he gave me the basic “personal protection liberty 2nd amendment” hooplah.

Very seriously, I told the crowd, “I’m pro-guns because I enjoy living in a world with only four Nirvana albums.”

My friend was the only one who laughed.