Told jokes

If someone told me to bring up 9/11, they were trying to make a funny joke, but it didn't work.

That one really *crashed and burned*.

I was invited into a celebrity's house, that's what I told the cops at least...

I told my mom that I have a crush. She replied with: "So you like girls?" I said: "Uhm no no no." BUT I'm lesbian. Someone help, how do I tell her without her hitting me with a belt?

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

So I was at home, and I went to take a shower, and I accidentally walked in on my brother having sex with some girl. So I left. A couple minutes later, I needed my headphones to listen to music, so I asked my mom where she was. She told me she was in the shower. Our house only has one bathroom. Sweet home Alabama.

What happens when an orphan is told that someone had found their parents?

They cry...

They scream... with joy.

"Oh wait, no, that wasn't your parents."

Orphan grabs a knife out of the kitchen, lets just say, the orphan didn't live to tell the tail...

I once told a blind orphan, "Hey, look at the bright side!"

One day, Johnny told his dad that a girl in his class liked him. He thought she was cute. She said, "Aw, you're like candy!" He didn't say anything. He said, "Why don't you think I am sweet like candy?" Little Johnny said, "Well, sometimes I get a toothache, and it hurts, so I stop eating it, like I stopped liking you."

My ex's dad died while she was texting me. She said she had a boyfriend, but I told her I had a dad.

Bully: "Nobody loves you."

Me: "Aww, it must have hurt when your mom told you that."

My mom told me to get a job, so I did.

One day my mom saw me, I had money. My mom asked me where did you get that money? My mom asked me where did you get that money. I said I got a job in the neighborhood. My mom asked me what do you do, so I said when you take showers I secretly open the door, and I let the guys come and see you one by one, and I get paid for it.

My mom said you're growing up so fast, & I said back to my mom that is what the guys say when they see you in the shower.

My wife told me to treat her like a princess, so I got drunk and drove through the tunnel.

My 19-year-old girl killed a butterfly. I said no butter for you.

She then she killed a cockroach. I told her nice try.

I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf.

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mother that my new girlfriend is disabled. Now we wait.

Guys, stop making jokes about orphan's parents.

Who will be told? Oh wait.

I told my teacher, "I’m failing life." She said, "That’s not on the syllabus."

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They told her to go find the light.

I was at work and a few fat women came up to me and asked for some help.

Later that week, I ran into them on the dance floor. One of them asked me if I wanted to dance. I told her no. The other asked me if I knew what was cracking. I calmly said, "The floor."

I'm always willing to go down on a handicapped girl.

Momma always told me to eat my vegetables.

I told my lesbian friends, "I wanna watch," so they bought me a Timex®.

It takes a licking and keeps on ticking.