Told jokes

One day I went to my friend's apartment, and he told me to make myself at home.

I threw him out of the window. I hate having visitors!

My grandfather told me I’m too reliant on technology, so I unplugged his life support and called him a hypocrite. I doubt he ever said that to anyone ever again.

My friend told me to beat that pussy up... so why is the local animal control at my door?

What do you call a traffic light that tells you, "Don't look, I am changing!"

My sister told me words don't hurt her, so I chucked a dictionary at her.

My mom told me we were flying to a building to see my aunt. I wondered, "Are we about to relive 9/11?"

I tried kidnapping a kid today and told him I was his dad's friend and I would take him home. He just curled up into a ball and started crying. Kidnapping must be easy.

My friend that used to be married was making jokes about me being short. Then I told him, "Your marriage was so short it made me look like Shaquille O'Neal."

I took the trash to the recycling bin, and two days later, my mom asked me, "Where's your sister?" I said, "In the recycling line to be turned into a bottle."

Little Johnny said to his mate, "I bet I can make you swear." His mate said, "Good luck." So Johnny told his mate that he slept with his sister. His mate yelled, "I'm gonna fucking kill you!"

The doctor told me my temperature was exactly 98.6 degrees. I felt relieved until he said, “Celsius.”

One day when I was driving around our children's school with my wife, she saw a speed bump. She told me to slow on it, and when I did, we heard a loud, long scream.

What did the potato say when the sweet potato told it to hurry?

I yam.

Guys tell me that I have a MILF for a mom. So I told my mom that guys tell me that she is a MILF. My mom said to me, "What is a MILF?" so I said, "Mother I'd Like TO F-ck." So my mom started to laugh and said, "Well, you do need a new step dad."

My wife accused me of cheating. I told her she started to sound like my wife.

I told my dad to get me a packet of cigarettes, he never came back.

AND I still didn't get my FUCKING CIGARETTES!

Evan, this is Mya, and your mom told me you were adopted, so we are done. Bye, don’t talk to me.

Yo mama so dumb, when the doctor told her she had coronavirus, she bought a new laptop.

I told my fam a joke.

They all looked at me weird and one person even said, "I’m sorry!"

An Aboriginal Australian told me that I was on his farmland.

So I told him he was on my cock.

(I'm Australian btw, respect to my American bros🇺🇸)