Told jokes

Three men are shipwrecked on a jungle island and taken prisoner by the residing cannibals. They are all told to walk into the jungle and come back with one piece of fruit. They go in and the first man comes out with a peach. He is instructed to shove it in his ass, and if he laughs, he will be killed. He tries and dies.

The second man comes back with a grape and is instructed to do the same. When the two meet at the pearly gates, the first man says, "I had a peach. They're fuzzy. You had a grape. What's your excuse?"

"Well, I was doing fine until I saw Jimmy come out of the brush with a pineapple."

He told me that he was in a wheelchair, and I asked, "Oh, wheely?"

One day I went to my friend's apartment, and he told me to make myself at home.

I threw him out of the window. I hate having visitors!

An Aboriginal Australian told me that I was on his farmland.

So I told him he was on my cock.

(I'm Australian btw, respect to my American bros🇺🇸)

I told my fam a joke.

They all looked at me weird and one person even said, "I’m sorry!"

Yo mama so dumb, when the doctor told her she had coronavirus, she bought a new laptop.

Evan, this is Mya, and your mom told me you were adopted, so we are done. Bye, don’t talk to me.

I told my dad to get me a packet of cigarettes, he never came back.

AND I still didn't get my FUCKING CIGARETTES!

The doctor told me my temperature was exactly 98.6 degrees. I felt relieved until he said, “Celsius.”

My mom told me we were flying to a building to see my aunt. I wondered, "Are we about to relive 9/11?"

My grandfather told me I’m too reliant on technology, so I unplugged his life support and called him a hypocrite. I doubt he ever said that to anyone ever again.

I took the trash to the recycling bin, and two days later, my mom asked me, "Where's your sister?" I said, "In the recycling line to be turned into a bottle."

I tried kidnapping a kid today and told him I was his dad's friend and I would take him home. He just curled up into a ball and started crying. Kidnapping must be easy.

Little Johnny said to his mate, "I bet I can make you swear." His mate said, "Good luck." So Johnny told his mate that he slept with his sister. His mate yelled, "I'm gonna fucking kill you!"

My sister told me words don't hurt her, so I chucked a dictionary at her.

My friend told me to beat that pussy up... so why is the local animal control at my door?

What do you call a traffic light that tells you, "Don't look, I am changing!"

My friend that used to be married was making jokes about me being short. Then I told him, "Your marriage was so short it made me look like Shaquille O'Neal."

One day when I was driving around our children's school with my wife, she saw a speed bump. She told me to slow on it, and when I did, we heard a loud, long scream.

My wife accused me of cheating. I told her she started to sound like my wife.