Told jokes

I'm so mad I got arrested for rape, even though the girl never said no. The prosecution said she was mute, but how was I supposed to know? She never told me.

My friend said he wanted to die, and I told him not to jump. But when he screamed, "Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to Jackass!" I knew it was over.

Guess what song this is from:

"I'll cut you into little bitty pieces,

Or freeze you till your blood runs cold,

Or stab your till' you heart stops pumping.

I'm here to realize your wish from what I'm told."

My friend told me to "hang on" when I told him I wanted to kill myself.

Buddy, I’ll be hanging for sure, just you wait.

My friend told me my wrist wasn't a cutting board. So I asked her if hers was at all, and if I could borrow it.

I told my mum the refrigerator was running, so she got dressed and ran after it...

I was always poked and told at weddings your next...

So I went to funerals and poked them and said your next.....

My dad always told me I should sing tenor. Ten or twelve miles away.

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

Your mum is so old that when I told her to act her age, she died.

My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.

I was driving and accidentally hit a crippled kid. They were still breathing, so I told them to walk it off.

Fatty told Skinny, "Do you have any food? My stomach is empty and I haven't eaten."

Skinny replied to Fatty, "Well, doesn't seem like you need food, you ate the whole universe instead!"

I told my psychiatrist I was going to go kill myself. He asked if I was paying for this appointment in check or cash.

My mom wanted me to build her a shed for her useless things, then she told me to go live in it.

Once a woman suspected that her husband was fucking their daughter at night. So she made a plan. That night, she gave her daughter sleeping pills and told her husband that you go to sleep, I have a headache and I will sleep on the sofa in the drawing room today. After everyone slept, she picked up her sleeping daughter and laid her on the sofa and went to her bed and lay down. After an hour, the door of the room opened and one man entered the room and jumped on the bed and fucked her intensely for 2 hours. Then she turned on the light with the bed switch and said, "You definitely didn't expect me." "I definitely didn't expect you, MOM! But you are more delicious than sister"! Her son replied in surprise!

I told my mother I wanted a brother for Christmas. The next day, I saw her in the strip club across the street.

Why did the bank robber shoot the man with no arms?

Because he told the man to put his hands up.

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.

Me: Your ugly...

Person: I'm not your mirror...

Me: I never told you to be my mirror :p