Told jokes

The other day I started watching Game of Thrones.

I told my friend about it. Told him all about the violence, murder, decapitation, gore, sex, gay sex, midget sex, prostitution, rape, paedophilia, incest, and inbreeding... And he was like: "Oh, so you're still on the first episode then?"

Guess what song this is from:

"I'll cut you into little bitty pieces,

Or freeze you till your blood runs cold,

Or stab your till' you heart stops pumping.

I'm here to realize your wish from what I'm told."

My friend said he wanted to die, and I told him not to jump. But when he screamed, "Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to Jackass!" I knew it was over.

My friend told me to "hang on" when I told him I wanted to kill myself.

Buddy, I’ll be hanging for sure, just you wait.

I told my mum the refrigerator was running, so she got dressed and ran after it...

My dad always told me I should sing tenor. Ten or twelve miles away.

I was always poked and told at weddings your next...

So I went to funerals and poked them and said your next.....

I lost my virginity to a girl with Down syndrome. I told my mom I wanted my first time to be special.

Your mum is so old that when I told her to act her age, she died.

My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.

My mom wanted me to build her a shed for her useless things, then she told me to go live in it.

I told my psychiatrist I was going to go kill myself. He asked if I was paying for this appointment in check or cash.

Fatty told Skinny, "Do you have any food? My stomach is empty and I haven't eaten."

Skinny replied to Fatty, "Well, doesn't seem like you need food, you ate the whole universe instead!"

I was driving and accidentally hit a crippled kid. They were still breathing, so I told them to walk it off.

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

I went up to my mom and asked how humanity started. She said it started with monkeys, so I went up to my dad and asked. My dad said it all started with Adam and Eve, so I told my dad that mom said humanity started with monkeys, and dad said mom was telling her side of the story. LOL🤣

My cock was in the book of world records...

The librarian told me to take it out.

I told my mother I wanted a brother for Christmas. The next day, I saw her in the strip club across the street.

Why did the bank robber shoot the man with no arms?

Because he told the man to put his hands up.

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.