Told jokes

My mom told me a joke she made 13 years ago, but she didn't tell me what it was... Anyways, I'm turning 14 next month.

I'm so mad I got arrested for rape, even though the girl never said no. The prosecution said she was mute, but how was I supposed to know? She never told me.

Guess what song this is from:

"I'll cut you into little bitty pieces,

Or freeze you till your blood runs cold,

Or stab your till' you heart stops pumping.

I'm here to realize your wish from what I'm told."

My friend said he wanted to die, and I told him not to jump. But when he screamed, "Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to Jackass!" I knew it was over.

My friend told me my wrist wasn't a cutting board. So I asked her if hers was at all, and if I could borrow it.

My friend told me to "hang on" when I told him I wanted to kill myself.

Buddy, I’ll be hanging for sure, just you wait.

I told my mum the refrigerator was running, so she got dressed and ran after it...

I was always poked and told at weddings your next...

So I went to funerals and poked them and said your next.....

My dad always told me I should sing tenor. Ten or twelve miles away.

Why did the bank robber shoot the man with no arms?

Because he told the man to put his hands up.

I was driving and accidentally hit a crippled kid. They were still breathing, so I told them to walk it off.

My dad told me he only drinks on days that start with a "T":

Tuesday, Thursday, today, tomorrow.

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.

Your mum is so old that when I told her to act her age, she died.

Fatty told Skinny, "Do you have any food? My stomach is empty and I haven't eaten."

Skinny replied to Fatty, "Well, doesn't seem like you need food, you ate the whole universe instead!"

My mom wanted me to build her a shed for her useless things, then she told me to go live in it.

I told my psychiatrist I was going to go kill myself. He asked if I was paying for this appointment in check or cash.

This homeless lady called me ugly, so I told her, "Okay, then I'm going home."

I told my mother I wanted a brother for Christmas. The next day, I saw her in the strip club across the street.