Told jokes

I told my mum the refrigerator was running, so she got dressed and ran after it...

My mom told me a joke she made 13 years ago, but she didn't tell me what it was... Anyways, I'm turning 14 next month.

My dad always told me I should sing tenor. Ten or twelve miles away.

I was told to burn calories, so I threw your mom in the fire.

I told my psychiatrist I was going to go kill myself. He asked if I was paying for this appointment in check or cash.

My mom wanted me to build her a shed for her useless things, then she told me to go live in it.

I was driving and accidentally hit a crippled kid. They were still breathing, so I told them to walk it off.

My grandma asked me if I could visit her.

I told her no, I don’t like graveyards.

My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.

Your mum is so old that when I told her to act her age, she died.

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf.

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mother that my new girlfriend is disabled. Now we wait.

I went up to my mom and asked how humanity started. She said it started with monkeys, so I went up to my dad and asked. My dad said it all started with Adam and Eve, so I told my dad that mom said humanity started with monkeys, and dad said mom was telling her side of the story. LOL🤣

My cock was in the book of world records...

The librarian told me to take it out.

I told my mother I wanted a brother for Christmas. The next day, I saw her in the strip club across the street.

Why did the bank robber shoot the man with no arms?

Because he told the man to put his hands up.

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.

Me: Your ugly...

Person: I'm not your mirror...

Me: I never told you to be my mirror :p

I was always poked and told at weddings your next...

So I went to funerals and poked them and said your next.....

A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd-shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.

As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"