Told jokes

I have a brother and he told me this quote, "No wonder they had a second child, they messed up on the first one." He’s the second child... I’m the first...

My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.

I told them, "Just you wait!"

What did the woman say when I told a rape joke?

"I don't get it."

I was in an audition for the lead role of movie "Aquaman." The Director told me to dive into a pool. Then outta nowhere Penaldo showed up and made a big dive into the pool. The director was impressed and selected Penaldo for the movie.

Shame on you Penaldo for destroying my dream!

What is the only thing worse than being told you're adopted?

Still being in the orphanage at 13.

How did Helen Keller die?

Her ex gave her plutonium and told her to eat it.

A blind man once told me he smokes a lot because he has nothing to look forward to. Well, let's just say that I see his point.

My dad told me a joke one time. When I realized the joke, the second tower was hit.

A guy told me, "Nothing rhymes with orange."

So I replied, "No, it doesn't."

My friend just told me about reverse exorcisms.

In these, the demon tells the priest to get out of the child.

My Grandma, like any other, got an APPLE IPHONE 12, but as we all know, we get dumb, and so we buy a phone. My grandma did not even know how to use it. She even said, "How do I go on Google?" I told her, "YOU CAN'T!" My grandma was, like, "Yeah right, how do I do it?"

Comment down below, does your grandma do this?

Little Jim's friend told him that if he farts, he will give him a tenner. Little Jim tries to fart, but he poos himself, and he is bullied until he puts the poo on the bullies' face.

I told an orphan to never stop talking until their parents come home.

Now I can’t get it to shut up.

My mom told me to make my dad smile, and she will give me $100, so I said, "The Cowboys are gonna win the Super Bowl." He smiled, but my mom didn't give it to me.

Anyways, I forgot about my package coming, and the mailman came, and I said, "I like your hat; teal looks nice on you," and he smiled, and my mom gave me $100.

A farmer told me that he wanted a couple of acres, so I punched him in the teeth.

What's the most annoying thing in the world?

When you're told you're still qualified to live.

A blind kid was talking to me because he was getting bullied...

I told him, "Just tell them what you see!"

A woman was sitting alone at a bar, and a man approached her. He asked her why she looked so sad. She responded that her boyfriend had just broken up with her because she was too kinky.

The man expressed his amazement when he admitted that his girlfriend had dumped him because of his fetishes. After a few drinks, they decided to go back to her place.

When they arrived, she told him to make himself comfortable while she freshened up. The man complied. After a long time, she burst open her bedroom door and said, "I hope you're ready!"

She stood in the doorway wearing a latex body suit and a gas mask. She had a whip in one hand, a flogger in the other hand, and a 12-inch strap-on dangling between her thighs.

The dude looked at her and said, "Thanks, but I'm good for the night!"

She said, "I thought you said that you were kinky."

The dude replied, "While you were in there, I f-cked your cat, pissed in your plants, and came on your curtains. It's been fun!"

My girlfriend said she wanted to be pampered. I told her I wasn't into diaper fetishes.

My mom told me to look for a bill in her file at her home office. Instead, I grabbed my sister's adoption papers.