A blind woman told me I had a big penis yesterday.
I think she was pulling my leg.
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I`ve kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I`ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde." The Blonde then taped the note to the kid`s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
I told the judge I thought she was unconscious before she woke up crying. The judge asked: why didn't you drug her again so she would forget?
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
The teacher asked,"why are you in school on a saturday?" I told her my mum told me to go to hell.
A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.
The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and, wanted to let him go.
Today I gave a blind kid a gun and told him it was a hair dryer. The police thought it was suicide since I have no fingerprints, wow I’m so nice taking care of the disabled
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when i saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that as a punishment, she won't eat butter for 1 month. Today i saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her "nice try".
What is an orphan's least favorite movie
Spider-Man, Because it told them there was no way home
One day I got home and told my girlfriend "I cheated on you." she replied with "F**k you" I then said "But you won't, that's why I cheated on you."
People ALWAYS told me to open doors for elders. So I opened the plane door 5,000 feet up in the air for a grandma.
My friend told me my wrist wasn't a cutting board. So I asked her if hers was at all and If i could borrow it.
Remember what one of my gay friends told me: it's only cannibalism if you swallow.
I once told siri, "Hey Siri, why am i still single?" she opened the front camera.
MY mum once told me how do u spell mississippi and i said misisipi but she said no its goes mi-ss-i-ss-pp-i and i luaghed when she said pp,then she said why are you laughing i tried saying u said pp but i was laughing to hard
My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.
Fatty told Skinyy "Do you have any food my stomach is empty and I haven't eaten" Skinny replied to Fatty "Well doesn't seem like you need food, you ate the whole universe instead"
I was in a haunted house today. Nothing scared me until I reached the last room where I saw the scariest Halloween ghost I've ever seen. He took my pens and ghosted. I was told that i saw pristiano penaldo and I was lucky enough to see him because he performs once in a blue moon
I told a crippled guy he is immortal cause he cant kick the bucket
I went up to my mom and asked how humanity started she said it started with monkeys, so I went up to my dad and asked my dad he said it all started with Adam and Eve so I told my dad that mom said humanity started with monkeys and dad said mom was telling her side of the story. LOL🤣
