Today jokes

I left my Avatar at home today.

Husband: My wife and I went to the beach today.

Husband: She was wearing a blue wetsuit.

Husband: The second we entered the beach,

Pedestrians: "TSUNAMI! TSUNAMI!"

14 girls asked me to go out today!

I was in the ladies' toilets...

Why did Sally not come home from school today?

Because she got hit by a bus.

I pulled my kid out of school after a woke teacher taught my six-year-old about pronouns! Yesterday, it was "he/she," today, "they/it," tomorrow, "I/you/we!"

Why did Sally not come home from school today?

Because she died by a flying brick!

Pulled pork? Yeah, I cranked my hog today, too.

They're teaching my 1st grader pronouns! Today it was he/she/they. Tomorrow, you/are/is!

I got sad today.

Hi, how are you? Busy doing today? Did I have to text more today after dinner? I did text, and you have been to the vet and walk walk home from home and walk walk home 🏠. Night is so nice 👍. I did not walk away, but you don’t want me to text me to let you know when I get home, can you walk?

My kid runs in today to tell me that he found a floating cow, but when he got me to come and see, all I saw was a piñata with a tail and white spots. Such a stupid child. So after that I gave him a nice refreshing drink from the toilet and a few of those chocolate sprinkles. (: I'm such a good parent...

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

I bought drugs today.

Joe's pizzeria and abortion clinic.

Yesterday's loss is today's sauce.

Today I saw my son lick out a tub of butter. I told him to make a sandwich without butter for a week (as a punishment). He said, "Okay," and licked the bread. "It's really easy to spread," he said. LOL!

Today; worst day ever.

My annoying sibling got hit by a train, and I lost my job as a conductor.

Hey guys, I just wanna say what happened to Kanye; he is one of my favorite rappers, and he’s going through a hard time. I don’t see why people can’t just spread love and kindness like me💕

I think that Kanye was right to say what he said. I completely support him, and I don’t understand why people hate on him for using his 1st amendment, and Yeezy should be sued for it.

Quote of the day: Love bests hate as for hate is the killer of friendships - Collin Kaepernick

I did a ton of work today, a skele-ton.

My girlfriend broke up with me today, but it’s ok.

She said we can still be cousins.

Today, my mother was making breakfast. As she was tired, my brother asked if there was anything to do today.

She responded with a list:

- Take out the trash.

- Clean your room.

- Make lunch and be sure to butter the electrical sockets.

That’s all sweetie!