Today jokes
There was a dino at the library today.
It was reading a thesaurus.
Met the emo kid today; he was pretty chill; he was just hanging out.
My sister lost two things today:
1: Her virginity.
2: Her job at the zoo.
Some weird kid came into school today with his tagging gun. He tagged my friend really good. At the end, he tagged 12 students and 1 teacher. VICTORY ROAYAL ✌
I woke up today, and my mom said it was 1940.
Hey, how is everyone today? Cause I am feeling great!
I asked my friend, "Hey, did you get a haircut?" and she said, "No." Then I'm like, "Really? Then why are you bald today?"
They're teaching my 1st grader pronouns! Today it was he/she/they. Tomorrow, you/are/is!
I was at school today, and one of my friends said after a test, "Man, that was hard." After that, I started laughing and I said, "That's what she said."
Kim Jong Il: Knock knock
Political Prisoner: Who's there?
Kim Jong Il: Boo
Political Prisoner: Boo who?
Kim Jong Il: Boo hoo? Don't cry just because I executed your wife and enslaved your children. You at least get to eat today, my friend.
Hi, how are you? Busy doing today? Did I have to text more today after dinner? I did text, and you have been to the vet and walk walk home from home and walk walk home 🏠. Night is so nice 👍. I did not walk away, but you don’t want me to text me to let you know when I get home, can you walk?
My kid runs in today to tell me that he found a floating cow, but when he got me to come and see, all I saw was a piñata with a tail and white spots. Such a stupid child. So after that I gave him a nice refreshing drink from the toilet and a few of those chocolate sprinkles. (: I'm such a good parent...
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
I bought drugs today.
Today I saw my son lick out a tub of butter. I told him to make a sandwich without butter for a week (as a punishment). He said, "Okay," and licked the bread. "It's really easy to spread," he said. LOL!
Joe's pizzeria and abortion clinic.
Yesterday's loss is today's sauce.
Today; worst day ever.
My annoying sibling got hit by a train, and I lost my job as a conductor.
Hey guys, I just wanna say what happened to Kanye; he is one of my favorite rappers, and he’s going through a hard time. I don’t see why people can’t just spread love and kindness like me💕
I think that Kanye was right to say what he said. I completely support him, and I don’t understand why people hate on him for using his 1st amendment, and Yeezy should be sued for it.
Quote of the day: Love bests hate as for hate is the killer of friendships - Collin Kaepernick
My girlfriend broke up with me today, but it’s ok.
She said we can still be cousins.
I did a ton of work today, a skele-ton.