Today jokes

Today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.

I was walking today and I saw an emo with a noose looking up at a tree. I simply said, "Hang on there, bud!"

Hey guys, I just wanna say what happened to Kanye; he is one of my favorite rappers, and he’s going through a hard time. I don’t see why people can’t just spread love and kindness like me💕

I think that Kanye was right to say what he said. I completely support him, and I don’t understand why people hate on him for using his 1st amendment, and Yeezy should be sued for it.

Quote of the day: Love bests hate as for hate is the killer of friendships - Collin Kaepernick

"You have your entire life to be an idiot. Why not take today off?"

Driving through the woods today, I saw a boy with a bare behind.

RIP Stephen Hawking who was buried today... he did always love black holes.

I got sent to the principal's office today because I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a fire and screamed, "HOT WHEELS!"

I took my mother-in-law out today...

I love being a sniper.

My job is so amazing.

Today a man asked me to check his balance, so I pushed him over. His balance isn't good.

If someone calls you, just say:

"This is Peter's abortion clinic and pizza restaurant, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce!"

Today I went to the doctor for a test, and he said I have 10 months to live.

So later that day I stabbed him to death, and the judge sentenced me for 15 years in prison. Problem solved!

We have a new member of staff here today. He has no arms, no legs, and no body. He will be known as "The Head."

Today was a bad day. First, my ex got hit by a bus. Then I lost my job as a bus driver.

Today, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

Let's take a look at the Swedish bench for today's game. $12.99 from Ikea.

Tried to kill myself today using a bungee cord, I kept ALMOST dying.

This is true. Today I was at the mall and there was a guy holding a sign that said, "Need money for strippers and weed."

xthegamer0 is 35. He grew up with GTA5 and is still playing it today.

Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said, “Parking fine.”

Today was like every other day. It was so terribly long and so terribly dreary. I fear these feelings will never end. I’ll always feel so dark, feel so hopeless. Sometimes all I want is for it to end. For all of it to end, for all of my thoughts to end. I despise the way that always comes to mind. But I feel so lost, feel so hopeless. If something would just work. But nothing has worked. Nothing can fix this. These feelings will pass. These days won't feel so endless... or so absolutely heavy. Just give it some time. Just give it some hope... and some belief. The ‘happy pills’ will work. The doctor says they'll help... they'll help it go away. Just dump the pill in your hand. Let yourself place the little white thing on your tongue... Let yourself throw your head back and swallow. It'll make this better. It should make me feel better.

Everything has changed! The world is so bright— The world is so loud! I don’t know how I never noticed! The sun is so warm— The grass is so green! I feel so awake! I feel so content— I feel so happy! It’s so strange! I’m not anxious— I’m not overthinking! I guess those pills really worked! I think I’m really getting better— I think I’m really going to be happy!