Today jokes
Hey, how is everyone today? Cause I am feeling great!
I got sad today.
14 girls asked me to go out today!
I was in the ladies' toilets...
They're teaching my 1st grader pronouns! Today it was he/she/they. Tomorrow, you/are/is!
I pulled my kid out of school after a woke teacher taught my six-year-old about pronouns! Yesterday, it was "he/she," today, "they/it," tomorrow, "I/you/we!"
Why did Sally not come home from school today?
Because she got hit by a bus.
Why did Sally not come home from school today?
Because she died by a flying brick!
I left my Avatar at home today.
Qassem Soleimani is so popular today.
I mean, he just blew up overnight!
Today sucked. My girlfriend got hit by a car, and I lost my job as an Uber driver.
Husband: My wife and I went to the beach today.
Husband: She was wearing a blue wetsuit.
Husband: The second we entered the beach,
Pedestrians: "TSUNAMI! TSUNAMI!"
Blame Austria for creating Hitler, who we know today. He failed art school.
Pulled pork? Yeah, I cranked my hog today, too.
I asked my friend, "Hey, did you get a haircut?" and she said, "No." Then I'm like, "Really? Then why are you bald today?"
There was a dino at the library today.
It was reading a thesaurus.
Okay, guys. Today we're gonna read the Women's Rights of 1920...
Okay, thanks for watching!
I woke up in my bed today.
Hi, how are you? Busy doing today? Did I have to text more today after dinner? I did text, and you have been to the vet and walk walk home from home and walk walk home 🏠. Night is so nice 👍. I did not walk away, but you don’t want me to text me to let you know when I get home, can you walk?
My kid runs in today to tell me that he found a floating cow, but when he got me to come and see, all I saw was a piñata with a tail and white spots. Such a stupid child. So after that I gave him a nice refreshing drink from the toilet and a few of those chocolate sprinkles. (: I'm such a good parent...
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.