Today jokes

They're teaching my 1st grader pronouns! Today it was he/she/they. Tomorrow, you/are/is!

Qassem Soleimani is so popular today.

I mean, he just blew up overnight!

Today sucked. My girlfriend got hit by a car, and I lost my job as an Uber driver.

I left my Avatar at home today.

Husband: My wife and I went to the beach today.

Husband: She was wearing a blue wetsuit.

Husband: The second we entered the beach,

Pedestrians: "TSUNAMI! TSUNAMI!"

Today there was a line to punch me.

Yeah, that was the punch line.

What did the customer ask when he went to the cannibal restaurant?

"Who's the special today?"

I was at school today, and one of my friends said after a test, "Man, that was hard." After that, I started laughing and I said, "That's what she said."

My girlfriend broke up with me today. Her mom had to take her to daycare. 😢😢😢

Met the emo kid today; he was pretty chill; he was just hanging out.

Some weird kid came into school today with his tagging gun. He tagged my friend really good. At the end, he tagged 12 students and 1 teacher. VICTORY ROAYAL ✌

I woke up today, and my mom said it was 1940.

Hey, how is everyone today? Cause I am feeling great!

I took my mother-in-law out today...

I love being a sniper.

My sister lost two things today:

1: Her virginity.

2: Her job at the zoo.

I asked my friend, "Hey, did you get a haircut?" and she said, "No." Then I'm like, "Really? Then why are you bald today?"

There was a dino at the library today.

It was reading a thesaurus.

Blame Austria for creating Hitler, who we know today. He failed art school.

Today is Elder Abuse Awareness Day.

Unfortunately, they're still not giving lessons on how to beat an annoying Alzheimer's patient without leaving a mark.

I saw a Down syndrome kid waving at me today, but there's no way I'm swimming all the way over there to save him.

"Eugheugh," said the boy.