Today jokes

My owl turned 180 today.

He isn’t old, he just has a bad neck.

What time is it when you can walk home from school today and walk?

I called my dog 5 miles.

Today, I fawn over my miles.

I was walking in a park today and a little girl I asked, "Where are your parents?" She said, "Gone. My dad went to go get the milk and never came back," and I said, "Oof."

Today is the day, time for more jokes!

Today I went to get a sub, and they asked me if I wanted all vegetables. I said no, leave some for the rest of the customers.

I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.

My job is so amazing.

Today a man asked me to check his balance, so I pushed him over. His balance isn't good.

I cleaned my room today. While sweeping under the bed, I heard my mop collide with something. To my surprise, I found Pristiano Penaldo hiding under my bed! My dad said, “Don’t bother sweeping him son, he’s been dusted for years.” I was shocked but not surprised.

I was dying when I called my sister and she said, "Hi, this is Pepperoni's pizza and abortion clinic; your loss, our sauce. How may I help you today?"

What do you say to your pet when you're super tired, slow, and worn out?

"I'm totally dogging it today..."

I really slapped my pants at school today. This is normal, because boys also have their period.

Today I was asked if I was in favor of legalizing prostitution.

I admit I haven't given it much of a thot.

I woke up in my bed today.

14 girls asked me to go out today!

I was in the ladies' toilets...

They're teaching my 1st grader pronouns! Today it was he/she/they. Tomorrow, you/are/is!

I pulled my kid out of school after a woke teacher taught my six-year-old about pronouns! Yesterday, it was "he/she," today, "they/it," tomorrow, "I/you/we!"

Why did Sally not come home from school today?

Because she got hit by a bus.

Why did Sally not come home from school today?

Because she died by a flying brick!

I got sad today.