Today jokes

What do you say to your pet when you're super tired, slow, and worn out?

"I'm totally dogging it today..."

Hi 👋 I love 💗 you walk in and out the door 🚪 night. I did not have time today. I was just a little bit and I had to walk home from home after dinner. I

I did a walk today, but it was so much better, and a walk home. I had dinner. Night was good fun at home. Night was good night. I was a little off, but you were so fun to be a night.

My sister said I'm stupid today, and she's the one who wrote this.

What time is it when you can walk home from school today and walk?

I got sad today.

Why did Sally not come home from school today?

Because she got hit by a bus.

Why did Sally not come home from school today?

Because she died by a flying brick!

14 girls asked me to go out today!

I was in the ladies' toilets...

I pulled my kid out of school after a woke teacher taught my six-year-old about pronouns! Yesterday, it was "he/she," today, "they/it," tomorrow, "I/you/we!"

Husband: My wife and I went to the beach today.

Husband: She was wearing a blue wetsuit.

Husband: The second we entered the beach,

Pedestrians: "TSUNAMI! TSUNAMI!"

Pulled pork? Yeah, I cranked my hog today, too.

I left my Avatar at home today.

Qassem Soleimani is so popular today.

I mean, he just blew up overnight!

Blame Austria for creating Hitler, who we know today. He failed art school.

Today sucked. My girlfriend got hit by a car, and I lost my job as an Uber driver.

Today there was a line to punch me.

Yeah, that was the punch line.

What did the customer ask when he went to the cannibal restaurant?

"Who's the special today?"

My girlfriend broke up with me today. Her mom had to take her to daycare. 😢😢😢

I took my mother-in-law out today...

I love being a sniper.