Today jokes

Hi, how are you today?

I got fired from my job today at a banana factory. They said to throw away the bad ones, so I threw away the bent ones.

Sorry to take your time today for a few minutes. We are cool, but not the best.

Hi everyone, today I am taking requests for anything you want me to say.

A man driving along a country road sees a little girl crying next to a cliff. He gets out and says, "Aw, what's the matter little girl?"

She points off the cliff, and at the bottom is the family car, burning with everyone inside, all mangled and dead.

The man unbuckles his pants and says, "Little girl, today just ain't your day."

A depressed kid was stuck on a tree, and a man saw the kid.

Man: "Hang in there! I'm gonna get some help!"

Two minutes later, the kid literally did what the guy said.

RIP Daniel Kyre from Cyndago (July 6, 1994-September 18, 2015)

Daniel committed suicide five years ago today......

My infant drew on the walls today, but I don’t know how to punish them. So I think I’ll sleep on it.

Today, my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings. When my brother walked past, my mom asked me a question: "What do you think of going through kids' heads during a school shooting?" That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom, "Bullets." We don't talk about this anymore.

Today is the day, time for more jokes!

Today is sad. My sister got hit by a car, and I lost my license as a driver.

I decided today that I was going to do something with my life, something amazing, and I decided to punch a homeless man.

I was in a haunted house today. Nothing scared me until I reached the last room, where I saw the scariest Halloween ghost I've ever seen. He took my pens and ghosted. I was told that I saw Pristiano Penaldo and I was lucky enough to see him because he performs once in a blue moon.

The ice cream man tried to murder me today.

Today, I had an exam in school. When I was done, I raised my hand and yelled, “Pisstiano Penaldo!”

My teacher smiled and took my paper. She knew I was finished.

Met the emo kid today; he was pretty chill; he was just hanging out.

Today we need to teach our teens about having safe sex while using contraceptives.

Condoms 99 percent effective.

Birth control 99 percent effective.

Etc.

Just be like me and use underage 7 year olds works 100 percent of the time (only cost 20 years in jail ;)

Doctor: "I am so sorry, I cannot see you today."

Orphan: "Oh, okay. What about tomorrow?"

Doctor: "No, I can't see you ever."

Orphan: "Why?"

Doctor: "Because I am a family doctor."

So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.

Okay, guys. Today we're gonna read the Women's Rights of 1920...

Okay, thanks for watching!

At gym class today, my friend made this song:

🎵 I’m a Barbie girl, I am fantastic, my boobs are plastic!