Today jokes

Husband: My wife and I went to the beach today.

Husband: She was wearing a blue wetsuit.

Husband: The second we entered the beach,

Pedestrians: "TSUNAMI! TSUNAMI!"

Qassem Soleimani is so popular today.

I mean, he just blew up overnight!

Today sucked. My girlfriend got hit by a car, and I lost my job as an Uber driver.

I was at school today, and one of my friends said after a test, "Man, that was hard." After that, I started laughing and I said, "That's what she said."

My girlfriend broke up with me today. Her mom had to take her to daycare. 😢😢😢

Your dad left you 10 years ago and you're 10 years old, so your dad anniversary is today.

What did the customer ask when he went to the cannibal restaurant?

"Who's the special today?"

Today there was a line to punch me.

Yeah, that was the punch line.

Met the emo kid today; he was pretty chill; he was just hanging out.

My sister lost two things today:

1: Her virginity.

2: Her job at the zoo.

I took my mother-in-law out today...

I love being a sniper.

I woke up today, and my mom said it was 1940.

Some weird kid came into school today with his tagging gun. He tagged my friend really good. At the end, he tagged 12 students and 1 teacher. VICTORY ROAYAL ✌

Hey, how is everyone today? Cause I am feeling great!

I asked my friend, "Hey, did you get a haircut?" and she said, "No." Then I'm like, "Really? Then why are you bald today?"

My son wore his new "Go Vegan" Hoodie for the first time today, and already he's been verbally abused as well as being punched, kicked, & spat on!!!!

And he's not even left the house yet!!!

Pulled pork? Yeah, I cranked my hog today, too.

Blame Austria for creating Hitler, who we know today. He failed art school.

I left my Avatar at home today.

There was a dino at the library today.

It was reading a thesaurus.