Today jokes

My owl turned 180 today.

He isn’t old, he just has a bad neck.

They're teaching my 1st grader pronouns! Today it was he/she/they. Tomorrow, you/are/is!

Qassem Soleimani is so popular today.

I mean, he just blew up overnight!

Today sucked. My girlfriend got hit by a car, and I lost my job as an Uber driver.

I left my Avatar at home today.

Blame Austria for creating Hitler, who we know today. He failed art school.

Husband: My wife and I went to the beach today.

Husband: She was wearing a blue wetsuit.

Husband: The second we entered the beach,

Pedestrians: "TSUNAMI! TSUNAMI!"

Some weird kid came into school today with his tagging gun. He tagged my friend really good. At the end, he tagged 12 students and 1 teacher. VICTORY ROAYAL ✌

I woke up today, and my mom said it was 1940.

Met the emo kid today; he was pretty chill; he was just hanging out.

What did the customer ask when he went to the cannibal restaurant?

"Who's the special today?"

Today there was a line to punch me.

Yeah, that was the punch line.

I was at school today, and one of my friends said after a test, "Man, that was hard." After that, I started laughing and I said, "That's what she said."

My girlfriend broke up with me today. Her mom had to take her to daycare. 😢😢😢

Your dad left you 10 years ago and you're 10 years old, so your dad anniversary is today.

My sister lost two things today:

1: Her virginity.

2: Her job at the zoo.

I took my mother-in-law out today...

I love being a sniper.

Hey, how is everyone today? Cause I am feeling great!

I asked my friend, "Hey, did you get a haircut?" and she said, "No." Then I'm like, "Really? Then why are you bald today?"

There was a dino at the library today.

It was reading a thesaurus.