Today jokes

What do you say to your pet when you're super tired, slow, and worn out?

"I'm totally dogging it today..."

Hi 👋 I love 💗 you walk in and out the door 🚪 night. I did not have time today. I was just a little bit and I had to walk home from home after dinner. I

I did a walk today, but it was so much better, and a walk home. I had dinner. Night was good fun at home. Night was good night. I was a little off, but you were so fun to be a night.

My sister said I'm stupid today, and she's the one who wrote this.

I called my dog 5 miles.

Today, I fawn over my miles.

What time is it when you can walk home from school today and walk?

My owl turned 180 today.

He isn’t old, he just has a bad neck.

I was dying when I called my sister and she said, "Hi, this is Pepperoni's pizza and abortion clinic; your loss, our sauce. How may I help you today?"

Today I was asked if I was in favor of legalizing prostitution.

I admit I haven't given it much of a thot.

My sister lost two things today:

1: Her virginity.

2: Her job at the zoo.

I took my mother-in-law out today...

I love being a sniper.

I was at school today, and one of my friends said after a test, "Man, that was hard." After that, I started laughing and I said, "That's what she said."

Met the emo kid today; he was pretty chill; he was just hanging out.

Today there was a line to punch me.

Yeah, that was the punch line.

What did the customer ask when he went to the cannibal restaurant?

"Who's the special today?"

My girlfriend broke up with me today. Her mom had to take her to daycare. 😢😢😢

Some weird kid came into school today with his tagging gun. He tagged my friend really good. At the end, he tagged 12 students and 1 teacher. VICTORY ROAYAL ✌

I woke up today, and my mom said it was 1940.

Hey, how is everyone today? Cause I am feeling great!

I got sad today.