I was at school today, and one of my friends said after a test, "Man, that was hard." After that, I started laughing and I said, "That's what she said."
There was a dino at the library today.
It was reading a thesaurus.
I asked my friend, "Hey, did you get a haircut?" and she said, "No." Then I'm like, "Really? Then why are you bald today?"
Hey, how is everyone today? Cause I am feeling great!
My sister lost two things today:
1: Her virginity.
2: Her job at the zoo.
Some weird kid came into school today with his tagging gun. He tagged my friend really good. At the end, he tagged 12 students and 1 teacher. VICTORY ROAYAL ✌
I woke up today, and my mom said it was 1940.
Husband: My wife and I went to the beach today.
Husband: She was wearing a blue wetsuit.
Husband: The second we entered the beach,
Pedestrians: "TSUNAMI! TSUNAMI!"
Qassem Soleimani is so popular today.
I mean, he just blew up overnight!
Your dad left you 10 years ago and you're 10 years old, so your dad anniversary is today.
Met the emo kid today; he was pretty chill; he was just hanging out.
Today there was a line to punch me.
Yeah, that was the punch line.
What did the customer ask when he went to the cannibal restaurant?
"Who's the special today?"
Blame Austria for creating Hitler, who we know today. He failed art school.
I left my Avatar at home today.
My girlfriend broke up with me today. Her mom had to take her to daycare. 😢😢😢
My son wore his new "Go Vegan" Hoodie for the first time today, and already he's been verbally abused as well as being punched, kicked, & spat on!!!!
And he's not even left the house yet!!!
Hi, how are you? Busy doing today? Did I have to text more today after dinner? I did text, and you have been to the vet and walk walk home from home and walk walk home 🏠. Night is so nice 👍. I did not walk away, but you don’t want me to text me to let you know when I get home, can you walk?
My kid runs in today to tell me that he found a floating cow, but when he got me to come and see, all I saw was a piñata with a tail and white spots. Such a stupid child. So after that I gave him a nice refreshing drink from the toilet and a few of those chocolate sprinkles. (: I'm such a good parent...
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
