There will be no school shooter joke today in honor of the 10 people killed in the Colorado grocery store shooting. R.I.P.
Today I ate out my girlfriend... Jeffrey Dahmer style.
I got suspended at school today, I lit a kids wheelchair on fire and called him hot wheels
Sister: Hey sis, how are you today?
Me: Oh, good, you?
Sister: Good, 'cause I heard you finally got a good living life.
My kitchen was rearranged today. The tables have turned, and the steaks are higher.
Today, my family visited Disneyland. When we got to the hall of fame, I was shocked to find a statue of the BielefeldMan.
The tour guide said, "That’s Lewandisney. He owns the biggest collection of Disney TAP-INS and is a Mickey Mouse clubhouse member." Well done Lewandisney!
So, my mom looked in the mirror today, and we need a new one.
At gym class today, my friend made this song:
🎵 I’m a Barbie girl, I am fantastic, my boobs are plastic!
I bullied a handicap today.
What is he gonna do? Stand up for himself?
Good afternoon. My name is Russell, and I am a wilderness explorer of Tribe 54, Sweat Lodge 12. Are you in need of any assistance today, sir?
The tent pole is up, The canvas is spread, The hell with breakfast, Come back to bed.
Take the tent pole down, Put the canvas away, The monkey had a hemorrhage, No circus today.
My nan broke her toe on a brick today. Last time she broke her toe because she kicked her car tire. Does that now mean I have to tow her back to the doctors?
I had an animal pun contest today. He started off by saying something. I don’t remember.
Then I replied, “TOUCAN play that game.” He went silent, and my other friend barged in and said, “Don’t you think he’s CHICKENing out?” I said, “Yeah, just stop HORSING around!” He came back with one, and I ended it by saying, “Ok, let’s MOOOOOve on cow.”
Welp, that’s it.
Be grateful:
You're missing work today because in the past, someone cared enough to leave that banana peel on the stairs.
We have a new member of staff here today. He has no arms, no legs, and no body. He will be known as "The Head."
Today I passed the exams to be a funeral director!
Too bad it's a dying trade. :)
I saw an emo kid that got a haircut today. But instead of saying “Like ya cut, g” and slapping the neck, I slapped the wrist and said “Like ya cut’s g”.
my dog died today😥
hi this is Pete's pizzeria and abortion clinic,where yesterday loss is today's sauce
My girlfriend left me today for spending my own money. What a bitch! I spend a fair amount of money on her for her clothes and Air Force Ones, but as soon as I spend $100 on hookers, she leaves me.
