Today jokes

I was walking today and I saw an emo with a noose looking up at a tree. I simply said, "Hang on there, bud!"

The pie tasted weird today.

Then I realized that my mother likes cooking pie with human flesh from C town.

Today, my mother was making breakfast. As she was tired, my brother asked if there was anything to do today.

She responded with a list:

- Take out the trash.

- Clean your room.

- Make lunch and be sure to butter the electrical sockets.

That’s all sweetie!

Today, I had an exam in school. When I was done, I raised my hand and yelled, “Pisstiano Penaldo!”

My teacher smiled and took my paper. She knew I was finished.

You wanna know how to get rid of potential scam callers?

Next time you get a call from them, just answer the phone and say, "Pizza Hut abortion clinic, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce, how may I help you?"

Let's take a look at the Swedish bench for today's game. $12.99 from Ikea.

I parked in a disabled space today...

...and a traffic warden shouted to me, “Oi, what's your disability?” I said “Tourettes! Now fuck off!”

My dad told me he only drinks on days that start with a "T":

Tuesday, Thursday, today, tomorrow.

Today we need to teach our teens about having safe sex while using contraceptives.

Condoms 99 percent effective.

Birth control 99 percent effective.

Etc.

Just be like me and use underage 7 year olds works 100 percent of the time (only cost 20 years in jail ;)

Today was a bad day. First, my ex got hit by a bus. Then I lost my job as a bus driver.

I ran into a kid today. Now I'm in jail and I lost my driver's license.

I did a walk today, but it was good for Tyler. I was just trying to have a good time to sleep good. I got yyy night and a night.

My infant drew on the walls today, but I don’t know how to punish them. So I think I’ll sleep on it.

One day a truck driver had a truck full of squirrels. A police officer said, "Sir, I'm going to need you to take these squirrels to the zoo." The driver did so and left. The next day the driver was back, but this time the squirrels were wearing sunglasses. The officer said, "I thought I told you to take these squirrels to the zoo." The driver said, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach."

Today I went to the doctor for a test, and he said I have 10 months to live.

So later that day I stabbed him to death, and the judge sentenced me for 15 years in prison. Problem solved!

Why couldn’t Billy go to school today?

The bus driver hit Sally.

RIP Stephen Hawking who was buried today... he did always love black holes.

So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.

What's the different when a little boy drops in Japan then and now?

When a little boy falls today he gets back up. But then everyone fell and never came back up.

I was in a haunted house today. Nothing scared me until I reached the last room, where I saw the scariest Halloween ghost I've ever seen. He took my pens and ghosted. I was told that I saw Pristiano Penaldo and I was lucky enough to see him because he performs once in a blue moon.