Today jokes

Went swimming today and peed in the deep end. The lifeguard saw me and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.

Today I am finding out the lore of worstjokesever.com.

Someone locked me out of my house today... At least the children in my basement aren't my problem anymore.

Why did the frog take the bus to work today?

His car got toad away.

Today I was asked what I wanted to be, and I said I wanted to be a pinata because I want to be hanged.

I got in trouble today because I threw a lamp at the emo kid and said, "Lighten up!"

Teacher: Hi class, today we will learn about the song, "London Bridge is falling down, falling down."

Then one student said, "I thought it was 'Twin Towers are falling down, falling down!'"

Hi everyone, today I am taking requests for anything you want me to say.

I got in trouble at school today because I played the knife game with a pair of scissors, but I couldn't flip them off because I was missing that finger.

Are you twinning today? Because The Rock would be shocked!

Today, a kid in a wheelchair was rolling around the class to get away from this one annoying kid, so I told him, "Brayden, just get up and walk away."

Who is older than the Twin Towers?

Billy Bob the 1th. He was older than the Twin Towers. He was born 3 minutes before the Twin Towers and is still alive today.

Me: Joe left today.

Orphan: Who's Joe?

Me: Joe mama!

Don’t feel bad about this day because there’s a saying: "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present."

Is it just me, or are you the prettiest person I've seen today?

I was given my electronics test today. Turns out it was given to me 'cause I have the same name as someone who got 54/59. I actually got my hopes up, too.

I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.

He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.

Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said, “Parking fine.”

Person 1: “How many ph vids have you watched today?”

Person 2: “Seven.”

Person 1: “What the fuck, dude.”

Person 2: “I know, right? I’ve gotten seven ads for Pizza Hut in the past hour.”

(Based on an encounter I had recently)

Hi! Welcome to Papa John's abortion clinic, where yesterday's meat is today's treat. How may I be of service?