Today jokes

The ice cream man tried to murder me today.

I invented a new word today.

Plagiarism.

I've done a ton of work today.

A SKELE-ton of work!

I met a guy in a wheelchair today. His face was battered and bruised. "What happened to your face?" I asked.

"I'm a Paralympian," he replied.

"Boxing?"

"No, ... hurdles."

My boyfriend came over today and stole my milk. How dairy!

Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

I won the lottery for a million dollars today, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

I now have $999,999.75.

Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. -- I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Today I was asked to go out by 20 girls. -- I was in the women's bathroom.

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap.

He was high on my list of priorities.