Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
So, a retarded kid's mom drops her kid off at school and says, "You better stop the bus today, because I’m not picking you up." So he agrees, and he arrives at the bus stop and says, "Stop!" (in a retarded voice). The bus goes straight past him. The next day, the mom says the same thing, and the kid goes to the bus stop and says, "Stop!" (in a retarded voice). The bus goes straight past him. The third day, his mom says, "I don’t care if I have to jump out in the middle of the road, you better stop that bus!" So the kid goes to the bus stop and jumps out in the middle of the road and says, "Stop!" The bus driver runs over him. A nearby lady stops the bus and says, "Why’d you run that poor kid over?" and he responds, "'Cause he was making fun of me" (in a retarded voice).
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that, as a punishment, she won't eat butter for 1 month.
Today I saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her "nice try".
Donald Trump announced he will run for prez today. His hair will on Friday.
I did a ton of work today, a skele-ton.
The ice cream man tried to murder me today.
I invented a new word today.
Plagiarism.
I've done a ton of work today.
A SKELE-ton of work!
I met a guy in a wheelchair today. His face was battered and bruised. "What happened to your face?" I asked.
"I'm a Paralympian," he replied.
"Boxing?"
"No, ... hurdles."
My boyfriend came over today and stole my milk. How dairy!
Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
I won the lottery for a million dollars today, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
I now have $999,999.75.
Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. -- I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Today I was asked to go out by 20 girls. -- I was in the women's bathroom.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap.
He was high on my list of priorities.
