I've done a ton of work today A SKELE-Ton of work
I met a guy in a wheelchair today. His face was battered and bruised. "What happened to your face?" I asked.
"I'm a Paralympian," he replied.
"Boxing?"
"No, ... hurdles."
My boyfriend came over today and stole my milk. How dairy.
Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
I won the lottery for a million dollars today, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. -- I now have $999,999.75.
Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. -- I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Today I was asked to go out by 20 girls. -- I was in the women's bathroom.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap.
He was high on my list of priorities.
