To-do jokes

Small word of advice: Don't wait till next month or next year to do stuff with the people you love, because they may be gone by then. You don't realize, but every second there is someone who dies, and it just could be your loved one.

Knock knock.

Who's there? Discord server.

Discord server who?

This server is dead, bye bitches, I got better things to do than watch you sit here and type like a sloth.

What was Hitler's favorite thing to do to pass the time?

Smoking.

I asked a person in a wheelchair if they wanted to fight. All I had to do is say, "Stand up!"

I tried to make a pun about cheese, but I couldn't think of any good "whey" to do it.

Yesterday I bought my daughter a cat, but accidentally hit her with the car today. I have no idea what to do with the cat now.

There was a kid being mean to another kid at an orphanage. The kid said, "Stop!" but the mean one said, "What are you going to do? Call your mommy?"

I specialize in jokes about orphans. What are they going to do? Tell their parents?

Jimmy watched in horror as Alex told the suicidal man to do a flip.

I didn't mean to call an Afghanistan hotline. I told them I was depressed, then they asked if I know how to drive a truck. I don't know how that has anything to do with it!

I lost my job by giving up my seat to someone.

I didn't know you're not supposed to do that if you're a bus driver!

A couple and their friends were riding their tricycle, and one wheel fell off. They discussed what to do, and finally the friend said, "Why don't you just use me?" The boyfriend said, "Why did I not think of using the third wheel?"

We are all just suicidal kids telling other kids not to do it.

What punishment are teachers unable to do to orphans?

Call their parents.

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air, and men with spears are there.

One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So, what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren’t that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them. The guy from France said, “For France!” and drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, “Long live the Queen!” and shot himself and died. And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, “MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS!”

Papyrus: Sans, stop being a lazy Bones.

Sans: Why bro, guess you don't have the back bone to do anything, heheh.

Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, and they want to kill them. But the Europeans beg to have their lives spared.

The Native Americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: The Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, and he laughs, and the Native Americans kill him.

The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs and the Native American kills him. They both see each other in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach, and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?"

The second guy says, “Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”

A man goes to a doctor and says he's having problems shitting, so the doctor gives him an enema and says he needs to do it a few times at home, but does the first one for him. So the guy bends over the table, lubes him up, and shoves it deep in him, and he yells.

So later, the man goes home and tells his wife he needs her help with the enema. So he bends over, she lubes him up, puts a hand on his shoulder, and she shoves it up there, and he starts screaming and cussing, and the wife asks, "Did I hurt you?" He said, "No, I just realized when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders."

I kidnapped an orphan. What are they going to do? Cry for mom?

This lady has 2 parrots that only say one thing: "Hi, we're prostitutes, wanna have some fun?"

So she goes and tells her pastor. He responds with, "I have two parrots as well, they are always praying, and they have everything that a parrot needs to be a Christian. Maybe if we put our parrots together, mine will fix yours."

They proceed to do so, and the lady's parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, wanna have some fun?" and the pastor's parrots reply with "Johnny, drop your beads and lift your heads, our prayers have been answered!"