Time jokes
What did the man say when he swallowed a clock and tried to go to the bathroom?
WATCH OUT!!!
A girl walks up to her friend with sunglasses she missed very much.
She told her, "Hey, long time no see."
A doctor walks up to a dying man and sadly says: "I'm sorry, the test shows you only have 10 more to live."
The man says "10!? 10 what!? Years? Weeks? Days? What?!!?"
The doctor calmly replies "Nine".
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Do your buses run on time?
No, they run on diesel.
Miss Stephen likes kids like she likes wine: 15 years and in isolation.
I used to work at a candlestick factory, but only on the wickends! It was illuminating!
My friend had a drink called Quick Start, so I said, "That's a quick start to the morning!"
Mary's mother was a good person. Why did she die?
Because she got stabbed in the heart 60 times by a switchblade.
What happens once every minute, twice every millennium, but never in a hundred years? The letter M.
A black man walked into a bar. Another guy invited him over for a drink. They spent the rest of the night drinking and having a good time.
We should enjoy the present while it's here. Do you know why they call it the present? Because it's a gift.
A mother and her 7 year old child are walking in the grocery store. The young boy then screams to a random woman “you're an ugly bitch.”
The mother grabs her son and says, “I’m so sorry, I must have told him a thousand of times to not judge people on how they look."
An apple and an emo kid fall off a tree at the same time. Who hits the ground first?
The apple, because the emo kid got caught by the rope.
Stephen Hawking will be greatly missed for the time he walked this Earth.
If it's on the clock, it's old enough for the cock.
Bambi was calmly eating grass. All of a sudden, a red dot pointed near his heart caught his attention. He looked around anxiously, and he saw a man in camouflage. He whispered, "Time to join mother, Bambi!" Bambi knew what this meant. He ran. He heard a gunshot, followed by a wave of extreme pain. Bambi fell to the ground. He glanced at his leg, which was no longer attached to his body. The man in camouflage came up to him and stabbed him in the heart. Everything went black...
Face-Timing My Girlfriend:
"Hey girl! Are you a veterinarian? Because these puppies are sick!" *shows muscle*
Q: What’s the difference between me and you?
A: I’m not wasting my time reading this joke.
A son walks up to his dad and says, "Dad! I just had sex for the first time."
The dad goes, "Great! Wanna sit down and talk about it?"
The son says, "I can't sit right now, my butt is very sore."