Time jokes
How to make time fly?
Answer: Throw a clock out of the window.
One time there was a squirrel who died.
It was funny because the squirrel got dead.
I like women how I like my hair dryer: locked in a closet most of the time and only being used to blow me dry.
Q: Who are the fastest readers in the world?
A: The 9/11 victims. They went through 20 stories in seconds.
What's the best part of having sex with a baby?
Deep throat and anal at the same time.
What do you call it when a watch has too many belts?
A waist of your time.
My midget landlord told me to pack my things up and that I've got 30 minutes to get out. That's short notice!
Chuck Norris can make 5 minute frosting in 4 minutes.
Why did the boy shoot the clock?
The cop that is on a 12 o'clock shift says, "Hands up!"
What did the clock say when it got punched at noon?
It’s twelve o'clock.
I always talk to my taco before I eat it.
One time it said it was having a bad day and I asked what's wrong. He said I don't want to taco 'bout it!
What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?
"It's pasture bed time."
Man: I got fired from my job at the calendar factory.
Lady: What did you do?
Man: I took a day off...
Yo mama so old, she was in third grade with Moses.
How many times do you tickle an octopus to get it to laugh?
Ten-tickles!
Who do you call in times of a marriage crisis?
A prostitute, because your wife fucking sucks.
Sonic can run around the world in a second.
In that same time, Chuck Norris can run around the Universe.
Once upon a time lived a fat ass named Steve and got rabies and died. The end!
Isn't eating a clock time-consuming?