Time jokes
Did you know that an orphan can take a selfie and a family photo at the same time?
Gf: Babe, do you love me?
Bf: Count the stars and that's how much I love you.
Gf: But it's morning, sweetie...
Bf: Exactly.
Gf: :0, I'll take that as a no.
Why are there only 363 days on an orphan's calendar?
They don't have Father's Day and Mother's Day.
The only time you see a depressed person lifted up is when they hang themselves.
My 3 year old sister kept saying, "I like your cut, G." Every time she does, I dodge and close my eyes, but she's the one who always ends up running.
What do Time Clocks like to play?
Tick Tack Toe.
What do Princess Diana and a landmine have in common? Both are easy to lay. Both costly and time-consuming to get rid of.
What did Saint Peter say to Diana when she got to the pearly gates? "Wipe that Merc off your face."
What's an orphan's favorite sport?
Baseball, because that's the only time they can run home.
I see 6 letters in "the past."
I have 2020 vision.
I see 7 letters in "the future," I have 2021 vision.
Dad: What time do you wanna go to the dentist?
Daughter: *tooth hurty*
Dad: All right.
Sometimes I just wake up in the morning and think, "Damn, better luck next time!"
Just shit my pants and it ran all down my legs... last time I eat at Popeyes.
How many times can you subtract ten from one thousand?
One; after that you're subtracting ten from 990.
Bf: Do you love me?
Gf: Most of the time.
Bf: Well, it's either yes or no.
Gf:...
Bf: Well, when is it that you don't love me?
Gf: 2:30 to 4:00. Every time when you go to the river an hour, then it takes me a half hour to love you again.
Bf: Why?
Gf: 'Cause you always see that OTHER GIRL.
Bf: MY LOVE! That other girl is my sister!!!
Gf: Ohh...
My teacher: Time can't count.
Me: Every second counts.
My teacher: Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhh!
Q: I often think I'm ugly, but then I think of my sister and get over it.
How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?
Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.
You: Find a time clock that can change time.
Your friend the next day: Hey, can I borrow yo' house?
You: No, I'm trying to figure out what to do with my TIME!
Also you: Changes the time back to 1267 so you don't have to have that friend again.
You have a six-minute timer to live, but when you breathe, it resets.
If chickens wake up when the rooster crows, then when do ducks wake up?
At the quack of dawn.