Thought jokes

I had something about tripping over ice.

Well, it slipped my mind, so I'll just test some diamonds to see if they're ice.

A surgeon loses his job as he botched a surgery.

boss: "We have to let you go."

surgeon: "I protest innocence."

boss: "How?"

surgeon: "I thought doing your job and saving people's lives were two different things."

boss: "Get out!"

What was one cool thing about Hitler?

He used to paint his thoughts on the wall with a gun.

Imagine there’s a funny joke here. Imagine it? Great! Now check yourself into an insane asylum because you’re schizophrenic.

Yo mama so scary that the monsters have to look under the bed for her.

Yo mama so ugly that the monsters thought that she was their mother.

Yo mama so stupid, she thought a donut was dough shaped like a nut.

So, I was laying in bed and it's winter, so my room is always cold because the heater doesn't work.

And I was thinking.... It would be warmer if someone else was laying here with me.... Then I laughed because who would wanna be with me. Hahaha

We saved a transvestite in a tight mini skirt from a tree.

I thought I showed a lot of balls.

Your forehead is so big, explorers mistakenly thought it was Mount Everest.

I've thought about suicide, but there's always been a part of me that knows I wouldn't be able to live with the decision.

We thought that my mother died in the best way possible, during her sleep.

But when we did an autopsy on her, we saw she actually died in the worst way possible. During the autopsy.

Your mum is so fat, she thought Dunkin' Donuts was a basketball team.

When Stephen Hawking died, he saw the stairway to Heaven.

He thought to himself, "Oh God, this is awkward!"

I just went to India and thought, "Why do they have so many sniper hitmen?" It turns out the red dot isn't a sniper laser.

Tyler: What's your favorite fruit?

Frankie: Pineapple duh, what's yours?

Tyler: Pineapple

Frankie: Wanna come over and watch some Netflix? I'm home alone.

Tyler: Absolutely!! What time should I be there?

Frankie: Right now.

Tyler: Sweet! Should I bring a condom?

Frankie: Now enough talk, let's fuck.

Tyler: I thought you never asked.

I’m a cashier at a grocery store, and when I’m bored, I draw on my hands with a pen. Well, this guy walks up to me and says, “You know, I got mental illnesses from drawing on myself.”

And so, without thinking, I said, “Well, I’ve already got those, so I think I’m fine...” 😳 He looked concerned. Oops lol.

The ball kept getting bigger and bigger...

And then it hit me.

When I was younger, I thought that it was cool to use knives because kids used to ask me to use them.

By the way, have you seen my sister?

Have you ever had a friend who masturbated many times? I had one who did a lot, but he had no imagination... when he masturbated, he imagines his hand.

My grandma walked up on my doorstep and I grabbed my bible... I thought she was a smurf...