Thing jokes
Texter 1: You know People treat me like a god.
Texter 2: How?
Texter 1: They ignore my existence unless they need something.
My mom interrupted my gaming session to tell me to hang up the lights.
I hung something else instead.
Bro, your hairline and an athletics track have one thing in common: they look like Humpty Dumpty.
If I agreed with Leo, then that wouldn’t solve anything. It would just make BOTH of us dumb.
Why can you never trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
"I think my baby is so similar to me!"
"True, but the most important thing is that he is healthy!"
What was the last thing Kurt Cobain said?
"Pop Goes the Weasel."
The only thing worse for a man than the end of the world is a testicular clinic.
What's the worst thing about 9/11?
All of the stupid "Airplane" jokes.
I think I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.
What's the number one thing in an orphan's search history?
"How to find a family."
The only thing the orphan learned from his dad is the hide-and-seek skill to hide for 18 years. He tried it out; now he has infinite milk.
Why do people use terms like "sucky" to mean that they don't like something?
If something "sucks," shouldn't that signify that it is at least good for one thing and will bring pleasure?
Last week, I made a joke about leftists. Now it is time for me to take shots at the right, and then I will move on to centrists. But I just said the same thing twice.
What is the same thing between water and dark jokes?
Not everyone gets it!
I was watching The Perfect Murder with my boyfriend. It was a good movie, but the weird thing was that my boyfriend was taking notes throughout the whole movie.
Okay, what do you call that purple thing in your mom's top dresser drawer that she calls her best best friend for some weird reason?
Dad better look out from Bob, battery-operated boyfriend, hahaha!
The only thing running in THIS family’s your big ass mouth! Oh, I’d better shut up, or Big Bertha’s gonna confuse my head for a burger!
When my family goes to weddings, my senior relatives tell me things like “You’re next!” So I started doing the same to them at funerals.
See, this is the best thing about no such thing as vampires because I'd be the first person to say drinks are on me.
If I died and went to heaven, do you think I’d be friends with Prince?
The only thing that makes me want to stay alive more is the thought that Prince would hate me.