So NFL teams were playing football on me, and then Justin Jefferson hit something called "the gritty" on me.
Thing Jokes
My sister lost two things today:
1: Her virginity.
2: Her job at the zoo.
What does the ocean do to its friends? It waves. (*Sorry, I wasn’t making any jokes for a while. I was getting sick of this thing.*)
What do Roblox bots do that's both a type of meat and an annoying thing?
Spam.
The thing about animals is every time you pick one up, you have to put it down.
Texter 1: You know People treat me like a god.
Texter 2: How?
Texter 1: They ignore my existence unless they need something.
Leo must be a parking ticket... not because of the “fine” thing, nah, it’s because she’s OVERSTAYED her WELCOME.
What's one thing you can say about your house, but not your girlfriend?
"I wish it were this color, why is it leaking there, I need help trimming the grass I mean bushes, I own it."
Bro, your hairline and an athletics track have one thing in common: they look like Humpty Dumpty.
My mom interrupted my gaming session to tell me to hang up the lights.
I hung something else instead.
Why can you never trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
See, this is the best thing about no such thing as vampires because I'd be the first person to say drinks are on me.
I was watching The Perfect Murder with my boyfriend. It was a good movie, but the weird thing was that my boyfriend was taking notes throughout the whole movie.
Okay, what do you call that purple thing in your mom's top dresser drawer that she calls her best best friend for some weird reason?
Dad better look out from Bob, battery-operated boyfriend, hahaha!
The only thing running in THIS family’s your big ass mouth! Oh, I’d better shut up, or Big Bertha’s gonna confuse my head for a burger!
I can't remember the last full conversation I had with my grandfather.
Good thing is, since he hit his head, he can't remember either.
What’s the best thing about sex with 119 year olds? There are 100 of them.
They say that bad things happen to good people.
So if you get run over by a car just know you're a good person.
Bender.
Question: What's the smallest thing on earth?
Answer: Your brain.
