Thing jokes
See, this is the best thing about no such thing as vampires because I'd be the first person to say drinks are on me.
What's the one thing that makes a depressed person jump? A bridge.
Your hairline's so far back, I use it as a ruler to measure things.
My mom interrupted my gaming session to tell me to hang up the lights.
I hung something else instead.
Bro, your hairline and an athletics track have one thing in common: they look like Humpty Dumpty.
I was watching The Perfect Murder with my boyfriend. It was a good movie, but the weird thing was that my boyfriend was taking notes throughout the whole movie.
Why does Johnny Sins cover his pants, but it doesn't work?
Because the long, hard thing can't chirp down.
Tell it to your parents and friends!
Okay, what do you call that purple thing in your mom's top dresser drawer that she calls her best best friend for some weird reason?
Dad better look out from Bob, battery-operated boyfriend, hahaha!
The only thing running in THIS family’s your big ass mouth! Oh, I’d better shut up, or Big Bertha’s gonna confuse my head for a burger!
The only thing colder than Siberia is my girlfriend's ex!
When my family goes to weddings, my senior relatives tell me things like “You’re next!” So I started doing the same to them at funerals.
If I died and went to heaven, do you think I’d be friends with Prince?
The only thing that makes me want to stay alive more is the thought that Prince would hate me.
What's the only thing that doesn't change in Alabama?
The last names after marriage!
Why are orphans so fond of shadows?
They're the only thing that accompanies them always.
What is one good thing about child molesters?
They drive slow past schools.
What's the second hardest thing in the morning?
The first hardest thing. 🍆
I was writing my final exams, and I saw a question saying to name the smallest thing in the world. To my knowledge, I chose an atom.
My Chemistry teacher said it was PSG. I was shocked beyond repair. Shame on you, PSG, I'm now a college dropout!
The thing my mom birthed.
The circular saw asked the chainsaw, "When am I as big as you?"
The chainsaw would answer with, "When you cut down some things in your life. Like your owner."
The circular saw would reply with, "What?"
Dad: I'll pay you 10 bucks for every day you don't tell a lie.
Next day:
Dad: Son, what's the ugliest thing you've ever seen?
Son: That ugly face of yours, go get a life, gosh, Dad, you're embarrassing.
The dad sulked for 3 whole years.
Proof that words really can hurt.