Thing jokes
My ex broke up with me the day before his birthday. Yeah, he never got to see anything on his birthday. Next thing you know, I'm now in prison.
I like it when your mom keeps on top of things.
(Male fantasy)
Yeah, on top of me on the living room carpet, snogging my face off.
My mom interrupted my gaming session to tell me to hang up the lights.
I hung something else instead.
Leo must be a parking ticket... not because of the “fine” thing, nah, it’s because she’s OVERSTAYED her WELCOME.
If I agreed with Leo, then that wouldn’t solve anything. It would just make BOTH of us dumb.
Bro, your hairline and an athletics track have one thing in common: they look like Humpty Dumpty.
The thing about animals is every time you pick one up, you have to put it down.
They say that bad things happen to good people.
So if you get run over by a car just know you're a good person.
What’s the best thing about sex with 119 year olds? There are 100 of them.
Bender.
Question: What's the smallest thing on earth?
Answer: Your brain.
Why can you never trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
See, this is the best thing about no such thing as vampires because I'd be the first person to say drinks are on me.
I was watching The Perfect Murder with my boyfriend. It was a good movie, but the weird thing was that my boyfriend was taking notes throughout the whole movie.
The only thing running in THIS family’s your big ass mouth! Oh, I’d better shut up, or Big Bertha’s gonna confuse my head for a burger!
Okay, what do you call that purple thing in your mom's top dresser drawer that she calls her best best friend for some weird reason?
Dad better look out from Bob, battery-operated boyfriend, hahaha!
And (DYM 135).
Why isn't Hilary Duff interested in education?
A. She said that she was not interested in learning about anything that was so yesterday.
The circular saw asked the chainsaw, "When am I as big as you?"
The chainsaw would answer with, "When you cut down some things in your life. Like your owner."
The circular saw would reply with, "What?"
What is the good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in school zones.