Thing jokes

What do Roblox bots do that's both a type of meat and an annoying thing?

Spam.

I can't remember the last full conversation I had with my grandfather.

Good thing is, since he hit his head, he can't remember either.

The thing about animals is every time you pick one up, you have to put it down.

Question: What's the smallest thing on earth?

Answer: Your brain.

What’s the best thing about sex with 119 year olds? There are 100 of them.

Bender.

They say that bad things happen to good people.

So if you get run over by a car just know you're a good person.

What's the one thing that makes a depressed person jump? A bridge.

When my family goes to weddings, my senior relatives tell me things like “You’re next!” So I started doing the same to them at funerals.

Okay, what do you call that purple thing in your mom's top dresser drawer that she calls her best best friend for some weird reason?

Dad better look out from Bob, battery-operated boyfriend, hahaha!

The only thing running in THIS family’s your big ass mouth! Oh, I’d better shut up, or Big Bertha’s gonna confuse my head for a burger!

Why can you never trust atoms?

Because they make up everything.

I was watching The Perfect Murder with my boyfriend. It was a good movie, but the weird thing was that my boyfriend was taking notes throughout the whole movie.

The only thing colder than Siberia is my girlfriend's ex!

See, this is the best thing about no such thing as vampires because I'd be the first person to say drinks are on me.

Texter 1: You know People treat me like a god.

Texter 2: How?

Texter 1: They ignore my existence unless they need something.

Why is it that every time I masturbate, things get out of hand?

I like it when your mom keeps on top of things.

(Male fantasy)

Yeah, on top of me on the living room carpet, snogging my face off.

To make tea, road, road, road, road.

Case.

The space of space, Der der.

The chosen week was chosen.

Object.

Der mezzer lakes.

My ex broke up with me the day before his birthday. Yeah, he never got to see anything on his birthday. Next thing you know, I'm now in prison.