Thing jokes

Why is it that every time I masturbate, things get out of hand?

They say that bad things happen to good people.

So if you get run over by a car just know you're a good person.

I can't remember the last full conversation I had with my grandfather.

Good thing is, since he hit his head, he can't remember either.

When my family goes to weddings, my senior relatives tell me things like “You’re next!” So I started doing the same to them at funerals.

The only thing running in THIS family’s your big ass mouth! Oh, I’d better shut up, or Big Bertha’s gonna confuse my head for a burger!

Why can you never trust atoms?

Because they make up everything.

See, this is the best thing about no such thing as vampires because I'd be the first person to say drinks are on me.

I was watching The Perfect Murder with my boyfriend. It was a good movie, but the weird thing was that my boyfriend was taking notes throughout the whole movie.

Okay, what do you call that purple thing in your mom's top dresser drawer that she calls her best best friend for some weird reason?

Dad better look out from Bob, battery-operated boyfriend, hahaha!

Leo must be a parking ticket... not because of the “fine” thing, nah, it’s because she’s OVERSTAYED her WELCOME.

If I agreed with Leo, then that wouldn’t solve anything. It would just make BOTH of us dumb.

What is the same thing between water and dark jokes?

Not everyone gets it!

What's the one thing that makes a depressed person jump? A bridge.

The only thing colder than Siberia is my girlfriend's ex!

MU, I love your joke, but I cut myself a piece of cake, pie, steak, cheesecake, and anything else I can find.

If I died and went to heaven, do you think I’d be friends with Prince?

The only thing that makes me want to stay alive more is the thought that Prince would hate me.

Why does Johnny Sins cover his pants, but it doesn't work?

Because the long, hard thing can't chirp down.

Tell it to your parents and friends!

What’s the worst thing to happen to an orphan?

Well, they weren’t always orphans.

Sorry man, but I got to say one thing. You know when a bully in a movie walks to you, then they walk up to you, and they smell you and say, "What are you doing?"

Okay, I'm on my last nerve when people say "Water Shark Guy" and other things THAT ARE NOT MY NAME.

This is my name: watersharky!