Thing jokes

These days, dating life is hard. You put yourself out there, and it's hard to find someone. The only thing to do is turn to family.

What's a man's favorite thing that starts with "m" and ends with "arriage?"

Miscarriage.

What starts with "M" and ends in "arrige" and is a man's favorite thing?

Miscarriage, this joke never gets old, just like the baby.

Hey, you might want to look at your butt because there's something coming out of Uranus.

How did the air beat me at chess? It did that thing, haha!

You know the stupid trend where people say it’s ok to be overly obese? Healthy even? That you should take pride in it? Which idiots started that movement?

Well. We know one thing for sure. They were obviously members of a wider community.

Do you know the best thing about killing a hooker?

Not only do you get your money back, but the second hour is free.

If you take a cap off a bottle, is it decapitation?

Sorry guys, I tried. I tried harder this time. I'll try again. Sorry, I can't delete things.

What do you call an ugly, grey thing?

Cinderelephant!

Highest level of insult by a girl by seeing a guy's dick:

"I can shit bigger logs than that thing of your's" 🤣

Okay, when I leave for ONE DAY something happens like people being sexist and men saying that women are weak (Which is Not True), AND rape. I hate hearing and really saying the word. Just stop with all this nonsense. I say rape and sexist and woman assault jokes should not be allowed. They are too cruel and mean to women. Most men are weaker than women. So don't anyone make anymore things or "jokes" about rape. Women are strong and don't be mean to them.

Sincerely, watersharky (How did I not misspell????)

No such thing as peados.... it’s all nonce-sense!

What does the ocean do to its friends?

It waves.

(*Sorry I wasn't making any jokes for a while, I was getting sick of this thing.*)

How are shark eggs and your mom the same? They're both the biggest thing ever laid.

My cousin’s friend spelled “racist” wrong and when my cousin showed me, the first thing I said to my cousin’s friend is “Go to Grammarly. They REALLY teach you spelling.”

I wasn’t close to my dad when he died. It’s a good thing he stepped on a land mine.

Hey, what are those things on your arms? They look like cuts. Wait, what? No, it's just marker. Nothing else...

So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back...

Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

Q: What was the last thing the United Healthcare CEO heard before he got shot?

A: "It's me, Luigi!"

What’s the worst thing about having a wife with cancer? You can’t pull on her hair.