You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.
So, some thieves robbed me the other day. They took everything I owned, except for the soap, towels, and deodorant.
Dirty bastards.
Me: why are Americans so good at rubix cubing? Friend: why? Me: they have a history of separating colors.
What's similar between a priest and McDonald's?
They both shove their meat in between 10 year old buns.
What does Stephen Hawking have in common with a bull? They both charge.
Why do orphans only have 363 days of the year? They don't have Mother's or Father's Day.
Why are Alabamians so resentful of immigrants?
They don't want their sons and daughters to have sex with anyone other than their siblings or relatives.
9/11 jokes aren't funny. They are just plane wrong.
Why do orphans go to church?
So they have someone to call father.
What did one tampon say to the other tampon when they walked by each other on the street?
Nothing. They were both stuck up cunts!
Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"
A doctor is telling three women what they are addicted to.
He says to the first one, "You are addicted to money, you named your daughter Penny."
He says to the second one, "You are addicted to food, you named your daughter Candy."
Then the third one whispers to her son, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
I bet China can be the best baseball team. They took out the entire world with just a bat.
Why are most firefighters men? Because they like to find hot places and leave them wet.
You shouldn’t bully fat people.
They already have enough on their plate.
As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.
Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.
Why do pedophiles never win a race?
Because they are always coming in a little behind.
You know why I don't buy Velcro items anymore?
They are a total rip off.
What do Catholic priests and school shooters have in common?
They both like to dump their loads into little kids.
I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a fire today.
Now they call him Hot Wheels.
