They jokes
You know why I don't buy Velcro items anymore?
They are a total rip off.
I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a fire today.
Now they call him Hot Wheels.
Stop hating on pedos. At least they drive slow in school zones.
Do you want to know why they call it an orphanage? Because they couldn't call it orphans home.
How do orphans have a family reunion? They look in the mirror.
Memes
Why do feminists believe that they can act like a bitch towards men if they want to? Because they were born without a penis.
Why can’t Jesus be born in West Virginia?
Because they couldn’t find three wise men or a virgin.
Wonder why the British are so good at chess? They have the queen.
Wonder why Americans are so bad at chess? They lost two towers.
Why are women like hurricanes?
They come in nasty and wet, then leave with your house and car.
Calling Alabama's football team an astonishment would be the biggest understatement of the century, especially since they continuously catch balls from someone who isn't related to them.
9/11 jokes aren't funny. They are just plane wrong.
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
When he asked who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."
9/11 victims are the best readers.
They went through hundreds of stories in a few seconds.
What does my head and hell have in common?
They both have demons in them.
Why do priests like kids in wheelchairs? Because they can’t run.
An ugly, arrogant woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.
The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just bloody stupid?"
The clerk replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid ma'am, I just can't believe someone would screw you twice."
How do computers get drunk?
They take a screenshot.
I asked an emo, "Do they get jealous when their phone dies?"
Your mama so fat, when she asked for a water bed they put a blanket over the Pacific Ocean.
If Martin Luther King were white, what would they call him?
Alive.